Just about done

[Catman19]

Thanks dnj, yeah im finding myself going through the different stages of grief and depression at a quicker rate now.

I too found myself asking God to help her and ive only asked of one thing from God for myself and that’s the strength to get through this and to be kind to others even though its easier sometimes to go back into my shell

I think whats made this extremely difficult for me is the fact we had a reconciliation attempt, she’s said things to me like shes sorry she hurt me, during R she said thank you multiple times for fighting for us, told me she loved me. Then after failed R shes had moments of opening up to me and apologizing somewhat sincerely but then gone back to chasing her other life. The thing that showed me i needed to put an end to this was when she started saying to me she thinks no one will want her, when it clearly seemed things weren’t going well with OM3 and i realized she was making me the shoulder to cry on when her poor life choices weren't working out.

All this back and forth has messed up my healing process, top it off with her delaying and delaying every step of the business end of separation, house sale, etc. Like she clearly wants another lifestyle but she wanted to keep me there on a short leash and this turned everything into a complete cluster*.

I had to start putting an end to the pendulum stuff because i knew she was reverting to the same pattern of keeping me as a backup like she did before our R attempt.

Ive studied so much about narcissisim and npd and during marriage something always felt off. Like arguments out of the blue followed by normal days like nothing happened the day after, verbal abuse followed by demand to initiate sex right after. It felt like torture.

I so feel some closure now in seeing that she likely has npd, like basically you are an object to them and seen as just a source of supply and nothing you do can fix them, it is who they are for life. They go through idealization, devaluation, discard cycles with partners, and seeing her do this with om3 going onto om4 and the patterns repeated like clockwork, I realized I had to end this for my own sake.

I guess for me now focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel gives me somewhat of a vision of the future and new life I'd like to have and at least these thoughts are dominating more than the thoughts of what was.

In the end the only way she'll ever properly value me is not having me in her life and the only way I'll regain a closer semblance to my full self is to do the same

The days aren't easy to get through but I'm only 1.5 months away from it all being finished so I guess I have to remain steadfast on that.

Thank you for your experience recap it gives a good perspective from someone who's gone through the whole thing, although all our experiences aren't exactly the same, the self care and personal work required is as close as it can get.