What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG (and Pattnee )

Pattnee is one of many wise posters around here. She’s been through the wringer and emerged pretty darn awesome methinks.

(Hi Pat. Oh my, he’s looking to buy a sports car. Yep, another box ticked on the list.)

I read your responses several times and each time, I get something new out of it. I'm not questioning you and your experience, but rather whether MLC really is real. And, how can this be?
It's surreal to have a perfectly sane man became a stranger who leaves an entire well-established family and life behind. Just somebody wake me up from this nightmare.

Yes, it’s surreal. An entire world and experience completely hidden away from us, until one is thrust into it. I had no idea, was blissfully unaware, that this horrible MLC even existed. It challenges our other preconceived notions of what we assuredly know.

As I said before, you are doing fine. Rationalizing and understand takes time.

For what it’s worth, you don’t wake up from this nightmare, you wake up to this nightmare. And in doing so, the nightmare looses its power over you. The fear, pain, doubt, etc, all become understood and accepted. The nightmare is H’s, not your’s.

I wonder if I'm doing some running myself. I distract myself to the extent I can, but don't find myself reflecting on what worked/didn't work in our marriage. Not that I'm looking to own his crisis, but I certainly should and can own my repsonses/actions over the last 32 years that may have reinforced his crisis. When I find myself alone with my thoughts, I consume the hours with readings on DB, Hero Spouse, etc. instead of understanding my tears and frustrations. How do I own up to my end of healing? What questions can I think through why I cry?

The simple act of realizing and asking the above, illustrates you are not running.

Yes, we all distract ourselves at the begining. We have to. There is just too much to handle all at once. Yet, fear not. Your mind is still churning away.

We focus on ourselves. We get a life. We control what we can - our thoughts, actions, and reactions. We purposefully direct our conscious mind to efforts and tasks. Meanwhile, our subconscious mind churns away. Slowly mulling things over. Questions arise, new information is sought, old and new information is pondered, more answers come.

We cannot directly control our subconscious mind. However, we do interact with it. How we think, what we do, has an affect. Distracting, or more accurately, focusing on self, allows our deep self to heal and find our answers.

Answers do present themselves when we are calm. Calming our conscious self, calms our subconscious self.

Running is frantic, energetic without a heading. Focusing is the opposite of that.

To own your healing: Follow the sting. Dig into what hurts. Hold yourself accountable for your part. Only your part! We all make and made mistakes. Afterall, we only had a few tools in our toolbox back then. Grow, heal, and move forward. Become MamaG2.0.

Should I tell him that I'm going to visit with his aunt? Should I tell him that I'm flying across the country? Do I owe him that much?

H was at the doctor appountment and heard about your trip. He hasn’t ask you anything. I’d leave it be. Don’t initiate telling him. And no, you do not owe him that much. He fired you as wife, let him feel the loss.

Be kind and cordial, and focus on you. Live and love your life!

H's words brought me back to when we were dating and didn't live together. I know I've heard that line before and with that excitement/stress/tone. I immediately attributed it to him regressing to teenage years. Is that how you see time travel?

Yes, that is time travel. (That was a mild demonstration from him.)

Kind of weird, and interesting, how H has recreated you and he not living together. Like when he was a teenager.

Mentally, emotionally, H is/was back in time. For that conversation H felt like a teenager. Thought like his teenage self. Not the responsibilities of his present older self and life. That is how they run. Trying to escape themselves. Trying to relive, and grow up, from when they were emotionally stunted.

he told them that H is prepared to lose them in the divorce bc H needs to look out for himself.

That is a big indicator of a crisis. Healthy people, adults, parents, do not toss away their kids.

A teenage H, well he ain’t married, and has no kids. That time travel really twists them up. H’s empathy chip is broken. Pretty common for a MLCer, BTW.

I've read that the dogs, kids, spouse, marriage are the last ones H will return to (and in that order). Could H be coming around and on the back half of the crisis? Do I have the order right?

If they reconnect, it is in the opposite order that they tossed folks aside. From the least they hurt and blamed to who they most did. As such, the spouse is usually last. The order makes sense, pets are pretty non-judgemental. Reconnecting would have little fear, as there is no judgment from a dog.

Some only reconnect part way. Maybe pets. Maybe kids.

Is H on the back end of a crisis? Likely not. A rule of thumb, if you have to ask, then likely not. Replay/running is a long stage. And it is confusing. If you are unsure of where/when H is, he is likely running.

When, if, H exits running/replay - you will know. There will be no doubts. Exiting replay means H has stopped running and is facing all he has done, and what was done to him long ago. The withdrawal and depression is deep and staggering.

Is H making progress? Yes, I believe so.

Remember, a hallmark of a crisis is confusion. H is not always some teenage version of himself. He bounces around. Back and forth. Emotionally driven. His at the moment state is derived by how he feels at that moment. As such, sometimes, old H will flash by. And be buried again.

An experience from my XW and situation: I thought she was reconnecting with the kids a while ago. She had reached out. Was even friendly with them. I thought, hmm perhaps.

Time will tell the tale.

Turns out, no. She was attempting to coerce and pull the kids to her way of thinking/feeling. She even went to their house, and blasted them. Told them they were wrong and OM is a wonderful guy.

And time travel is mixed in too. Seven years have past since bomb drop. Kids have jobs, houses, spouses, etc. They are not the teens in school she tossed aside. Though, in her mind, when she surfaces, they are.

Speaking of time travel, XW recalls details from the past like it is today. She even asked my kids about my blue Ford LTD with zebra stripped seats. lol. That’s from almost four decades ago. Back when her and I were dating. Imagine how consuming and confusing it would be to have that swirling around in your head, while trying to deal with the present day.

To me, H’s interactions with the kids, is a mixture of a few things. H peaking out of the tunnel; a temp check; a teenager mentality connecting/trying to be friends (instead of being a parent); and confused H/Dad unsure how to express his feelings.

And lastly, how possible is it that H's EA is a guy-friend whom he considers a brother? H talks and texts with him daily and has since BD#1. They grew up together, work together, hang out with their weed.... To my knowledge, he still has no other EA nor PA going on. I don't have it in me to snoop so I may never know either. How common or likely is it that his EA is a good friend?

Good on not snooping.

An emotional affair. It is possible. Affairs are a reinforcement of some emotional band-aid they feel they need.

In my definitions, affairs have a sexual component. EA is fantasy, not breaking over to the real world PA. As such, EA is usually tougher to let go of. And is tougher to compete with. After all, it’s a fantasy. Made up. Reality will pale against a fantasy.

I think most crisis have an undertone, or direct trauma that is sexual in nature. Something highly traumatic stunted a young person. And they are driven to explore that horrible hurt to heal from it. Hence why affairs are so commonplace.

The typical affair of a crisis is when one desperately is trying to find happiness. They incorrectly equate sex with happiness, and get lost in the infatuation. A band-aid. A symptom of a deeply hurt and troubled soul.

Interestingly, the MLCer recreates their messed up dynamic of long ago, the affair partner being the parent (authority figure). The affair is designed to fail. They need to break up, and therefore grow up, from their surrogate parent. That’s why the LBS cannot fill the role. The AP is being used and would be left.

Given H’s guy friend is more like a brother, let’s define him as more an emotional crutch. The “brother”, the daily talks and texts, the weed, all running behaviours. All pushing aside the pressures of reality.

D