What can I do differently?

[Pattnee5]

Hi MamaG, I haven’t been posting much the last few months as life is busy as a single mum but read your post and thought I should at least give you my experience. I’m 16 months in since BD. I had no idea about any of MlC stuff until I came on this forum and heard wise words from DnJ. I remember he even said “ i hope for your sake it’s not a mlc because that’s a true marathon”. Well turns out it was. He hid the affair partner and blamed me for a whole year before I stumbled on camera footage. He said they were just friends. He spent all of 2023 miserable drinking alot,saying the most hurtful disgraceful things, monstering at me constantly. He became a version I have never in my life witnessed. A bit of a clinging boomerang but never really getting anywhere. And I was sucked into his vortex of negative miserable energy. I did pretty good GaL to be honest. I still was kind invited him places included him where I could. I think the affair fizzled but he admitted to me a day before he left the country that it was a physical affair. I think it was all done and dusted but I feel his sister is his “MLC mentor” safe to say she probably had one and is telling him to get lawyers and find someone else to love etc etc. they will find people who will say stuff to justify them.
What I have learnt is everything they say is garbage and projected blame at us is their guilt and shame that’s internally destroying them. My H decided in Sept last year to take a job contract on the other side of the world. He has been gone since January and as the months go his contact has dwindled more and more with me and the kids. This man used to be the most amazing father. Always there for his family, loved his kids, never would have left them, never would have ended us so easily without working problems out. Now he’s basically run away. Doesn’t even ask how we are managing ( I work two jobs, and run two teenage kids everywhere) he has gone really bad with money and I thought he would support his kids but he’s gone the opposite. It truly is like an alien has abducted him and put in place the most broken, mean miserable man I’ve ever encountered. And I’ve copped the absolute brunt of everything. I do still hope he gets himself through his crisis. I recently took the kids to see him and it was then I realised how bad he was. He had gone there for an amazing happy life and it seems he is further in the hole. I would say he’s dancing between withdrawal and depression right now. His energy and mood the whole trip was depleting to the point where my kids made comments and noticed. He constantly said “ I’m old I’m fat” etc. the hardest part is you want to help them, and you can’t. They push us so far away the ones that love them the most and so unconditional , and wear a mask for everyone else and keep up a fake facade. But behind all of that mask is so much pain and turmoil. Keep reading keep learning. Nothing is linear. Never have expectations because they can say something to raise your hopes then squash them. My H ticked the final MlC box of the “ fancy sportcar” that he’s considering buying. A “ boy muscle Car” as he called it. The same man that used to hate those sort of cars and said they are depreciating assets and it’s something to get you from A to B is now wanting one. The same man who absolutely made so much fun of his sister years ago when she bought this fancy sports car 🤣 if your H is truly in MLC I am so so sorry but strap in for a long bumpy ride. All I can say is forget about them and what they say and what they do. As hard as life is as a single parent full time and juggling everything I wouldn’t have it any other way and I would hate to be in H shoes. I have my health I have my kids and we genuinely are happy and doing stuff to stay happy. Sure there are days that suck there are days I still cry and miss my best friend and my soulmate but I know right now the man in that body is not the one I am missing. The man in that body is going through some sort of mental crisis and the only way through is to keep everyone else out.
Get out and do as much stuff and stay positive. Be the lighthouse be the safe space. If they need us they know where to find us. Unfortunately my H hasn’t opened up about much now that he has gone completely into silent mode. But I trust he will eventually. I know one day he will drag himself out of this. I tried to minimise as much damage with the kids but it got to the point where he has hurt them so much that I can’t stop that anymore. The damage they don’t see until the fog lifts. And it’s their damage to fix. Stay strong and look after you and only you. My H was like yours last year. Hugs admiration for the kids, moments and glimmers of hope. I know his love is still there it’s just buried deep behind his turmoil. There were times he would even kiss me and then you could almost see the wall go straight up and the alien appear. Now he’s on the other side of the globe practically silent and pretending like we don’t exist. Whatever your H path is just let him take it. Zero pressure. You just be the safe lighthouse you just keep shining your light and leave him be the ship in the storm. He has to navigate this one on his own. There’s nothing we can do to help them through. I learn that the hard way always trying to help him.
What I will say is I do have faith my H will get himself through. I just can’t put my life on hold while he does. When they emerge they can never remember much and have lost so much time. Our life isn’t forever. Make the most of every day. Be grateful for the little things around you. Work on you. I can honestly say I am loving the person I have become through this and the person I am becoming. Deep down I think H notices and loves it too he just can’t see forest for the trees because he’s buried in such an incredible fog that he doesn’t know which way is up or down.
I’ll try and check back in when I get a moment but keep going! You’re doing great