Just about done

[DnJ]

Hello Catman

For those who went and finalized divorce, how were the 1-2 months leading up to the finalizing of everything?
When was the peak of emotional torment and height of depression?

I went from BD to divorced in two months. BD is a grand announcement at T-Day supper where W throws away the kids and me. Three hours later she’s gone to live with OM.

At bomb drop, utter shock, I was dumbfounded. Completely stunned. Days of “WTF happened? What am I going to do?”

Couple of days post BD, I cancelled credit cards. About a week in I saw a L regarding my will. Turns out, I couldn’t legally do anything when situation was/is such a state of flux. However, speaking with L, I recieved information about remortgaging, my best case scenario, as well as my worst case, and the likely case. Found out what is mandatory in a settlement and what is negotiable. (Information is power.)

My emotional torment continued until I received an email from my L during the kid’s Christmas concert (2 months after BD) that STBXW had signed the agreement. There was so much uncertainty until then: Could I keep the house?; Where would I and the kids live?; What about my pension? How much alimony any I going to have to pay? She has zero income so I would receive zero child support; and so on.

Once the settlement was signed, things were more settled. The agreement still had a one year cool down period before it could be send to the courts to be finalized. So, a bit of nail biting for the next while too. XW jumped the gun and forwarded the agreement on month elven. She even paid the court costs.

Once the legal/business side dust settled so did the emotional torment regarding living and providing for me and the kids. Certainty brought peace and financial security/protection.

Counterintuitively, embracing uncertainty for my emotional healing path brought peace. Unlike the business side, the emotional side required letting go of my ego, the need to be right or know or predict or have answers, etc. It truly was: Answers will/do present themselves when one is calm.

I found forgiveness for XW two months into my situation. Forgiveness for myself took about six months more. (Oh, her poisonous words were difficult to transmute. )

Anyhow, after a hellish nightmare in which XW was being eternally tortured and licked in flame, I bolted awake. At 2:00am, I fell to the floor, in total darkness, on my knees, and begged God to forgive her for she doesn’t deserve such a fate. Oh my, the hubris! Me, a mere mortal, telling God who should be forgiven.

In that moment, I realized I had forgiven XW. I gave her and her path to God. He is much much more wise than I. He will know what she deserves.

I also realized, I do not know enough to judge her. I cannot see all ends. Heck, if I had her upbringing, perhaps I’d be lost in a horrible crisis. I’d like to think not, however that’s my ego talking. That need to be right and in control. Set that side, and I can see how fortunate I truly was and are.

Still, XW is not given a free pass. Forgiveness is not that. Forgiveness sets you free. Free from needing retribution or retaliation. It writes paid in full on whatever invoice your heart is holding. It lets one unburden that heavy yoke of holding a grudge. And believe me, grudges are heavy! You forgive and still hold one accountable for their actions.

My depression? Oh my goodness.

My grief had very little anger. At first, I was full on in denial. So much happened, it was so unbelievable. Then word choice realization and revelation - me thinking and saying unbelievable makes it so. So, I was dumbfounded rather than it was unbelievable.

I found being accurate in thought and heart is very important to progressing and healing well. I worked to keep my heart soft and squishy. I did not want a hardened heart.

I did have bargaining. lol. Such a strange landscape. The stuff we promise God and ourselves to just have things go back to how there were. Ah, bargaining, the last vestige of the old normal. The harbinger of depression.

Depression is when one finally realizes the old normal is dead and gone. Depression take time. I spent a long time in depression. And then one day, one moment, it starts to be over. There is no warning, no bells or trumpet, it just happens. Depression will take as long as it takes, and will not be done one second sooner.

Of course, like all stages of grief, the delimitation is rather nebulous. I floated back and forth, in and out of depression for a while, before I realized I was much more over being depressed than being depressed.

I can still recall walking my dogs. It was another bland, gray, day. Another chore. Trudge trudge. But no. I heard something.

I heard a bird singing!

Oh my God! And yes, God! Thank you!

Bird song. I hadn’t realized how gray the my world had become. You’ll likely notice the strikethrough in the previous sentence. The world was still the same, my view changed.

Along with hearing birds again - and by the way it was months and months of not hearing them - color! The world exploded in color! Green leaves. Brown bark. Blue sky. White clouds.

Holy cow! I had forgotten.

Depression is dark and black. And I walked my way in it and through it. My best advice, and what I did, figure out your heading. What you believe in. Not feelings, not thoughts. Your convictions, your values. Those beliefs are slow to change and therefore make excellent headings, once they are organized. After all, we all have prejudices and ego and such to purge/let go of.

Like I said, it takes as long as it takes. I was working. Commuting two hours. Looking after the kids. Paying the bills. Buying food. Buying cars. Helping with university tuitions. All solo.

Working to be a lighthouse. A living example for my kids. Having many open honest discussions with them. By the way, they seemed to get through their depression faster than I.

Was there a high point of depression? No. Not really. That’s the depression part. You sink into depression, and then it’s flat. Same same. Day after day. It feels unending. Of course, it isn’t. Although it feels differently. Ha, feelings are fleeting. Let them flit.

Without some high point, or summit, one has no reference where they are in their depression. It’s just flat. No idea of how far left to traverse. Except, one day less to go than yesterday.

when does the stress and bitterness finally wear off?

When you find forgiveness.

There are different forms of acceptance. One could find a resigned acceptance of their lot in life. You get through your grief, yet still kind of resent where you now are.

I like a forgiving acceptance. Finding a peace and contentment with the hand you’ve be dealt. Nothing is so bad that it couldn’t be worse. I used to remind myself of that back when slogging through the mess. It’s quite uplifting in a weird sort of way. lol.

Sure, my present path is not what I had planned. Yet, I’d not give it up. There is a golden opportunity in all this. An opportunity few people, thankfully, ever get. And even fewer truly embrace.

what did you guys find worked best to get into a proper state of mind to get over the final hurdle?

Letting go.

Not defining the hurdle.

Ha, I’ve got a lot of inner zen. Remember, embrace the uncertainty.

When you make things a hurdle or problem, you set yourself and the stage that way. You now have to solve or overcome it. And fighting begets fighting. Hurdles and struggles, fight back.

Instead, come at things sideways. Certainly solve the business stuff. Then let go, let it wash over you, find your inner self, your convictions, and follow them. Regardless of the pressures of society or social media or well meaning friends.

An example: For better and for worse, til death do us part. We all likely said that in our vows. Or something like that. What does that mean to you? And be careful, us humans have a near infinite capacity to reason our way around things, especially things we don’t like.

To me, the meaning is pretty clear. So, I am being single. And plan to remain so. Not dating. Not looking. And not a widely held viewpoint either. Lots of folks have tried to help me see the light. “Life too short. You should have fun. And so on.”

Yes, life is short. So live it well! And fun/happiness comes from inside.

Of course, that’s me. You need to find your path. Your convictions.

Sometimes the life you have can give you all the happiness you desire if you chose to live in the moment and time.

Look who’s all zen-like. Well done. (Drop the sometimes by the way. It just is.)

D