I read your responses several times and each time, I get something new out of it. I'm not questioning you and your experience, but rather whether MLC really is real. And, how can this be? It's surreal to have a perfectly sane man became a stranger who leaves an entire well-established family and life behind. Just somebody wake me up from this nightmare. I digress.
When I re-read this comment this morning, I started thinking about me and the path I'm taking. For once, I'm thinking, "enough about him". This is the comment you made, "Of course, the world is a big shinny place. There is lots and lots of stuff to do to take one’s mind off of their problems. Heck, there are huge businesses built upon that. Creating happiness is an internal pursuit and endeavour. Being at peace and content and grateful with what you have. Working towards meaning and fulfillment in all things - relationships, work, play, etc.". I wonder if I'm doing some running myself. I distract myself to the extent I can, but don't find myself reflecting on what worked/didn't work in our marriage. Not that I'm looking to own his crisis, but I certainly should and can own my repsonses/actions over the last 32 years that may have reinforced his crisis. When I find myself alone with my thoughts, I consume the hours with readings on DB, Hero Spouse, etc. instead of understanding my tears and frustrations. How do I own up to my end of healing? What questions can I think through why I cry?
In conversation with my doc at an appt, I mentioned that I was going away for a few days in early May. He was there and still hasn't asked anything about the trip. Doesn't know with who I'm traveling? business or pleasure? etc. I've avoided telling him with hopes he'd ask. Nope. I also know that he's been avoiding her calls and texts for months - Why? Doesn't want to tell the story? Feeling ashamed or otherwise? Should I tell him that I'm going to visit with his aunt? Should I tell him that I'm flying across the country? Do I owe him that much?
Appointments are behind us for a while so we'll see how much of a boomerang he really is in the next week or two. Stay tuned.
For the first time, I felt 'time travel' yesterday. It was subtle. He called me about carpooling to my son's bday dinner. His tone was somewhat upbeat and rushing, as well as that of a friend who was running behind. His words, "I just got home. I'll swing by and pick you up at your house right after I shower." First, his call surprised me. Then his comment stunned me. H sensed it (even over the phone) and asked if that was Ok. I course corrected my reaction and excused myself... that I was just in the middle of something and of course that would be ok. H's words brought me back to when we were dating and didn't live together. I know I've heard that line before and with that excitement/stress/tone. I immediately attributed it to him regressing to teenage years. Is that how you see time travel?
H's admiration and love for his kids was so obvious. I could see it in H's eyes when H talked with them and when he closed his eyes through the hug hello/good-bye. Maybe I'm reading into things but this is certainly nice in comparison with H's comments shortly after BD#2 where he told them that H is prepared to lose them in the divorce bc H needs to look out for himself. Yes, they were very hurt. And, also refreshing to the confusing texts he would send them, "Today is going to be a better day." I know I've read that the dogs, kids, spouse, marriage are the last ones H will return to (and in that order). Could H be coming around and on the back half of the crisis? Do I have the order right?
And lastly, how possible is it that H's EA is a guy-friend whom he considers a brother? H talks and texts with him daily and has since BD#1. They grew up together, work together, hang out with their weed.... To my knowledge, he still has no other EA nor PA going on. I don't have it in me to snoop so I may never know either. How common or likely is it that his EA is a good friend?
