What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Is he in MLC or does this style bring out/highlight the many fitting MLC traits (coincidentally)?

Or is it both?

In some ways a crisis will spin a person right around. They often will become the exact opposite of who they are or have been. A Sunday school teacher could become wanton/wayward; a frugal person becomes a spendthrift; a caring parent starts to toss their kids aside while they search for their happiness. It’s all quite common script/behaviours for the MLCer. Affairs, being a terrible parent, spending, drinking, drugs, illegal/illicit activities, and such; all commonplace.

In other ways a crisis amplifies a person’s traits. Irresponsibility, avoidance, denying, lying, and so on. Unhealthy “default/underlying” habits and responses are exacerbated by their emotional turmoil.

It’s the chicken/egg or horse/cart; what is the order of things. The seeds of a crisis are planted long ago during their childhood. Those informative years are sadly bent and twisted, and the child gets emotionally stunted. Being so young and without good stable proper mentorship/examples they employ poor immature coping strategies/mechanisms because they simply do not know better. Hiding away, avoiding, lying, denying, whatever it takes to get through their day. It’s the toolbox they grow up with.

So, in a way, a person’s crisis started long ago, was interrupted, and continued/triggered at midlife. To be sure, not all experience a crisis. People have many interactions over their years. Opportunities for one to open up, or seek help. Some fortunate folks do get help, their path intersecting with a caring person or some such. MLCers come from the pool of those who did not have such good fortune; be that from lack of opportunity, or some inherent behaviour, fate, or other factor. However, the seeds were planted by the actions of an authority figure in their young lives.

Is it a recipe for disaster to be in MLC with this relationship style?

MLC is a disaster regardless. You are correct though, the difficulty, progress, problems, behaviours, are linked to the person and just how much running/healing/growing up they have to/need to do.

Does H have a chance at making more progress?

YES! Absolutely!

Everyone has a chance! I firmly believe that.

However, will H explore that chance? What path will he walk? How much damage will he do before he starts to turn around? Will he turn around?

Some crisis folks do so much damage, dig themselves such a hole, they become lost forever. Unable to face what they’ve done. Unable to make repairs to those they’ve hurt so badly. Or unknowing where/how to start to.

Your H seems to be on the positive side of this spectrum. He still reaches back to you, talks to you, suggests time together, suggests activities to do together.

Go slow!! Real slow!

MLC is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Dig deep for patience. Remain pressure-free. Focus on you. Let H lead his journey.

At the moment, H’s and your paths are intersecting. This has benefit of him seeing your changes and your life. Live and love your life. Live it! Be the lighthouse - for you!

That’s the big thing about focusing on you. It’s not ignoring H or some such, it’s not ignoring you. You live and keep moving forward and let H catch up.

All that goes hand in hand with not manipulating, letting go, time and space, and giving to God. An avoidant person, such as H, needs time and space. And he will take it, if not given. Realize he is driven to that.

You have the gift of time in all this.

Ah, time. The four letter word. lol.

H needs time to find his path and heal and grow. Time will tell if he can do so. Or when he does so.

Use your time wisely and well. It truly is a gift. One that takes time (giggle) to realize.

I'm reading more about divorcebusting and trying to be strong enough to apply what I read. As you can tell, I'm still asking questions that tell me I'm not ready to completely do a 180.

You are asking very good questions. Everyone requires a certain level of understanding before they can/will let go. Rationalizing and understanding takes time.

From what I read in your posts, you are stronger than you think or feel, IMHO. And you have already done some 180s. Realize 180s are not to turn everything on its head, they are for you. Do only 180s that serve you. Some folks have plenty and some have few. Sincere 180s are for you, and have the added benefit of maybe causing one’s spouse to take notice and perhaps pique their interest.

In my experience, finding answers to questions leads to more questions. Questions are the doorway to understanding. Having lots of questions shows a thirsty and inquisitive mind, not a lack of readiness. Mull over what you’ve discovered; consider the new questions that this knowledge and understanding brings up. It’s all part of moving forward.

Have a great weekend.

D