What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

My understanding is that depression carries throughout all of MLC. I've definitely heard H out loud say, "I just want to feel happy. I'm looking to be happy in any moment rather than creating happiness." So, to start, the comment resonates but why do you see that comment surfacing in replay versus another stage?

“I'm looking to be happy in any moment rather than creating happiness.” This hits the nail right on its head. H is looking to be happy. That comes from external sources. MLCers flit and ping-pong about from one thing to another trying all manner of activity in a futile attempt to try to find something to make them happy.

Of course, the world is a big shinny place. There is lots and lots of stuff to do to take one’s mind off of their problems. Heck, there are huge businesses built upon that.

Creating happiness is an internal pursuit and endeavour. Being at peace and content and grateful with what you have. Working towards meaning and fulfillment in all things - relationships, work, play, etc. This doesn’t stop pursuit of materialistic things , just the effort towards better is now focused or directed with self betterment rather than just trying to feel better.

Are you running from something or to something?

A person in crisis is running from their pain. That’s their reason. They are not running towards something.

The LBS, we tend to not run from things. A good response, IMHO. It’s ok. Standing still is still moving forward. Nothing wrong with being still until one knows that which they wish to head towards.

Such a comment as from H is within the replay/running stage; it’s its definition. The latter stages: Acceptance, one has traversed their path, accepted their demons, and found peace. They are not looking for happiness in all the wrong places.

In depression and withdrawal, the MLCer has let go of their pursuit of happiness. Their external efforts to fix their unrealized internal problem have all failed and turned to ash. They slide into the abyss and dark depression, sinking from the world around them. It’s here they truly start and come fade to face with their inner demons. Some run back into replay, and some dig in and persevere. The latter group is not trying to quash their inner pain with external fun times. They are growing up, realizing life is not always all fun and games. It’s also full of responsibilities, duties, repercussions for one’s actions, and so on. They see their path and blame themselves, which is quite a lot to find peace with.

Can you explain compartmentalizing a bit more. I've seen that he reveals more to me than others, but don't know how else I may be seeing compartmentalized behavior to better understand why compartmentalizing behavior is used. Can you help?

We all compartmentalize to a certain extent. Consider, the kids are fighting while you are getting them off to school. You finally get them out the door and head off to work. You don’t bring all that stress to work, you leave it at the door. (Mostly. Hopefully.) Same for bring work home. Two compartments. A work / life balance.

The best success of that comes when one can find, or more accurately, create self peace within each/all aspects of their lives. It’s creating self peace rather than finding it. Most things in life are out of one’s direct control. Yet, one can create peace with that, craft and direct how they respond to such stresses and situations. Oddly, the better you get at it, the less you actually leave at the door.

A MLCer has unknowingly buried, compartmentalizing, denied, their long ago pains. As they start getting closer and closer to bomb drop, their compartments start to fail. Far too much pressures to hold back. Bomb drop is a huge pressure release.

Further pressure releases occur as their compartments fill, build, and fail again and again. They aren’t digging in and doing their work, they are running from, trying to quash their pain with external things. (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t work. Of course, telling them doesn’t work either. It’s a life lesson they need to learn pretty much on their own.)

Compartmentalizing, wearing a mask, the MLCer hides their pain. From the world. From themselves. Until their walls crash and their mask falls. The usual response is then lashing out at their perceived object of blame (spouse, kids, whoever). And with said pressure released, going back to their now new norm. Masks and all.

Wearing a mask is tiresome. Maybe I just got old ; I don’t put on a fake face. Really got no time for that. lol.

For H to go from not able to be in same room with me to now willingly spending hours with me before he needs to escape must mean there has been a shift? Perhaps movement through the tunnel. Can you help me distinguish between escaping and withdrawal behavior.

Hopefully, escaping and withdrawal behaviours were somewhat illuminated from the above discussion.

Yes, H seems to have progressed. True, he can now be in the same room as you for extended times when before he could not. However, his reasons are his own. The why of his change is hidden, maybe even from himself. And he could revert back.

Don’t read too much into things. Looking for crumbs. It takes long term consistent demonstrated behaviour before you should even start to consider H’s better behaviours are becoming permanent. It’s perfect fine to hope, just keep your expectations really low.

Where/who/what/is this said pressure? I imagine it goes hand in hand with the hanging out for hours before he escapes....but pressure? Self-inflicted? real? what is that pressure about?

H’s pressure is real. To him. He feels it. Therefore, it is real.

As for its source. All of the above. Everything is pressure for one so consumed by depression.

Some is self inflicted, running away from one’s problems doesn’t solve or lessen them, and lead to even more problems. Work, family, kids, spouse, the clerk at the grocery store, all can be pressure to a person in crisis.

H is on an emotional runaway train. His emotions get triggered and reinforced by all kinds of stimulus. Some external, some internal. He cannot handle his feelings, which is pressure to him.

The LBS, we go through grief and depression as well. I remember, birthdays being difficult. Heck getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, was difficult. So much pressure to not just stay curled up under the blankets.

For a MLCer, that is increased multifold.

Your comment: "LBS has been manipulating the crisis person’s path, the LBS will have lots of regret and remorse and guilt and such. You don’t want or need that kind of responsibility for H’s life and choices." Not intended for sure. Is me speeding it along the concern? the manipulation? And, how?

It’s more a caution.

Let’s use my situation as an example. My W left and lived with OM. Say I called her everyday. Pleading, begging, telling her how wrong I was, to just come back, and so on. And she pulled away and ceases all communication for years. Is that on me? I’d likely place the blame for it squarely on my shoulders as a consequence for my interference and actions.

As it is, XW did leave and hasn’t spoke to me in years. I let her go and left her to her path and choices. Now, did my absence and lack of pleading push her away? Maybe. Although that’s a lot less likely. Pushing away requires some manner of force. Letting go is the opposite of trying to forcefully control the situation or someone. I’ve no guilt or remorse on my behaviour. I’ve not manipulated her nor her path.

H really seems to listen to me...but it's like I speak a foreign language. My logic doesn't seem to resonate with him nor drive movement. In my mind I interpret that my comments are heard but confusing to him. Agree?

I agree. H is driven, living, emotionally. Emotions are not of the realm of intellect, logic, reason, and language. It’s really hard to put emotions into words. If it were easy, poets would be out of work.

H’s current lexicon is foreign. Even to him.

Would conversations about his childhood be helpful and/or insightful?

Likely. Though not with you. You are the wife. Not his safe therapist, or parent, etc.

If H brings it up, you can certainly listen and validate. However, I’d not probe too much. Let H find his way at his speed. You want him to work fully through his problems. Otherwise H will repeat his crisis. And the second time around is far worse.

Mother's Day is around the corner and H's mom passed (likely set off the crisis on some level). H is in crisis and down. We agree. Leaving H alone on mother's day to cry seems cruel. Do I invite H to join fam for a breakfast? I know H isn't my mom but I don't know that I should leave H in deep-er depression. Thoughts?

I agree, the passing of H’s mom is a likely possible trigger for his crisis.

I’d not purposefully invite H over for Mother’s Day. That’s not cruel. H needs to cry over his loss. It may just do a lot of good to allow him to feel, and yes suffer. It is very rare that people change until they’ve hit rock bottom. H needs to hit rock bottom, before he is going to climb back out. That, at its core is compassion, and it takes a certain amount of indifference to allow someone their journey.

If H asks to come over, I’d agree to have him over. Same if he asked you to join him to go see his Mom’s grave.

Hope that helps.

D