What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

How was the weekend? Hopefully you enacted R2C’s wise advice and did something “just for you”.

I’m partial to a meal out. My hair and nails are pretty low maintenance. Haha.

My Q: with all the detail I've provided, can you call out other replay indicators/running behaviors that I'm just not connecting the dots to?

Some hallmarks of MLC are confusion and depression. Depression is ever present and there is lots of confusing behaviour. Their path is emotionally driven and not one of rational well thought out decisions. Rather which way to feel better, or feel less worse, or feel something, or feel nothing - depending upon what they are going through at that moment.

Overlay all that upon a teenage mentality and rebelliousness as well. A crisis person’s emotions are cranked to eleven! They have no bandwidth for you, their kids, their family, friends, work, nothing.

A strategy for these tortured and lost souls is compartmentalizing. Realize, they do not understand what is happening or why. Hence the irrational running away from their ceaseless torment.

Compartmentalizing can work, somewhat. It requires significant energies; the wearing of a different mask when out and about. Lots of MLCers let their mask drop when they are around their spouse, as they are simply tired of acting and wearing a “happy” face, and they know that we know who they are.

Of course, all these efforts are running from themselves. Building internal pressures. One of the most common types of MLCer is the boomerang type. They run off when their pressures get to much, and return/fly back when they cool down.

My XW was/is a vanisher. These types just leave. They just drop off the earth. No word from them. Like ever. Months, years, pass by.

In your posts there is plenty of behaviours from H that correlate to someone struggling with a crisis. An example except from your initial post/summary:

Aug 2023: H going out with friends until late hours and drinking. H's childhood friend passes of cancer

Sept 2023: Bomb drop requesting space because it's not going to work - H shouts out reasons: H will never take something out for dinner; H will never remember to take out the dog; H will never come up with his own todo list; H will never plan a vacation; I shouldn't tell him what music to listen to; H doesn't like how I manage money tightly. We didn't talk for 3 days until he called me from work to tell me that he's sick of being controlled and is filing for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. H goes out every night and reports back that he drives around for hours on end listening to music. H cringes at me saying "I love you". H can't be hugged or kissed. Started sleeping in son's bedroom. Asked me to not refer to him with pet names. H be called by his name only.

Oct 2023: H looks at houses and offer is accepted. H can't look at me; can't be touched; doesn't want to talk; H behaves as a teenager, coming home from bars and beginning to vape. H never drank other than socially; didn't vape or smoke since he was 20. H contacts mediator and we hold an intro session where H is very engaged in how fast can D happen. H still drives around for hours, can't be hugged or kissed. Still sleeping in son's bedroom. H is visibly depressed and cries 8 to 10 times a day in front of me. Pretends to be happy with others. H gets a tattoo because that's his therapy - when I asked him what it meant to him, he couldn't provide any clarity. I think he realized that as he tried to put words together.

No single item can definitively diagnosis H is in crisis. However, take his behaviour on the whole, the sheer “who is this guy?” of it, and a conclusion of crisis can be determined. A MLCer becomes the opposite of who they once were. They do all kinds of strange and - until now not normal for them - things. Staying out late, drinking, getting tattoos, being secretive, pulling away, cutting off pet names and other such fraternizing familiarity, finding new friends that understand them, and so on.

BTW, he is no longer going for long rides and is trying to not ghost me in between appointments. I've made him aware of it by showing texting history - he didn't know he was doing it but is now catching and adjusting it when he notices.

Be careful. Pressure.

H may see and acknowledge his behaviour. He might even work to do differently. Do not be the reason for it though. Do not manipulate his journey.

Firstly, you do not want that responsibility upon your head. If things were to take a wrong turn, a very wrong turn, and the LBS has been manipulating the crisis person’s path, the LBS will have lots of regret and remorse and guilt and such. You don’t want or need that kind of responsibility for H’s life and choices.

Secondly, H will not listen to you. Most MLCers are bogged down in denial. Remember, long ago, unrealized traumas. Their minds have denied their pain for decades! They have full denial in the face of consuming pain and torment. It takes much time for them to very slowly acknowledge this and slowly awaken to it. As such, they will fight against you and your wise counsel, thus prolonging, or stalling, their crisis. Best to let go.

Thirdly, these running behaviours are a pressure-relief to the MLCer. Being called out or having them pointed out, doesn’t end their crisis. The MLCer would likely just ignore you, however they could also do what you ask, and would then just start other more hidden behaviours. Maybe worse behaviours. They have to do something, they have to run. Best to let them run with what they have chosen. You don’t want worse behaviours to be because of your pressuring.

Let go and give him to God, or fate, or the universe, or whatever you believe in.

H and I had planned a vacation for this past week but MLC nixed that.

Why?

Go yourself!

If/when H flakes out, changes his mind last minute (which he is going to do), do not let his life and decisions ruin your life. Let go!

In my opinion: While H is living elsewhere, make no joint vacation plans. The most would be meeting up somewhere. As in, you each travelled separately, or made your own arrangements. And not for a week long get away. I would think H would unravel under that kind of pressure. I mean he “had” to go lay down in his own place before your cancer appointment. He is not ready, nor capable, of being with you for a week.

spend 4 to 5 hours a day with him, until he 'has to go home to...'. This week, I've seen him 4 out of 5 days. I looked forward to it so much (secretively).

Secretively is difficult. Small normal micro-emotions do and will come across. Your facial expression, body language, pattern of speech, wording choice, etc. We all express our emotional state through many channels. H will, maybe unknowingly, yet he will pick up on your looking forward to seeing him.

H is pleasant but his need to escape is so prevalent.

Yep.

You see his running. That need to escape. Stop being what and who he is escaping from. Let him go. Let him figure his stuff out.

The more you inject yourself into his sphere, the more he will blame and justify leaving, and not look towards the true cause. This goes hand and hand with the do not manipulate his path. Let H do as he will. While you live your life, focus on you, enforce necessary boundaries, and such.

Certainly, you can have H over, or see him once in a while. However, he needs to feel the loss, needs to grow. Boomerang types provide much more feedback and “proof” of their wild course than a vanisher. However, they are more work. Takes time to find your path and balance in all this.

It seems to hurt more when I see him more. Today, H left to go home to take a nap. Really? H is in our home and needs to leave to take a nap. People say I'm strong and days like today, I don't see it. The pain, heartache, disappointment just don't stop. H left and I curled up in bed just ugly crying. My reaction to H's unwarned "I'm going to go home to take a nap before my appointment." announcement caught me off guard and I immediately switched from content to visibly disappointed. H noticed and felt guilty...started to talk really nice and thanked me for a delicious lunch. "Did you get those burgers on sale?" I responded with a snarky response. H's request for a hug good-bye was reluctantly reciprocated and off he went. I acted like a 2 year old with a tantrum. So disappointed. sigh.

Expectations.

And unmet expectations turn to resentments.

Dial your expectations regarding H all the way down to zero. Have no expectation of what he might do. Expect anything and nothing.

So, make other arrangements for help regarding your appointments. Yes, cancer appointments are important. Do not leave such an important thing in the hands of an irresponsible teenager MLCer who is running from responsibilities.

I know you are primarily looking after your appointment. Take the next step and leave H out of the loop on this. Have a friend or family help - if/when necessary.

Doing so removes H from the equation. No H, and his behaviour won’t rattle you. Don’t worry, I think there will be plenty of other interactions where you can work on holding back snarky responses and such.

It’s ok, by the way. We all require our own releases too. A MLCer is difficult. Acknowledge and let out your frustrations about and regarding H, the situation, and such; before it boils over during some conversation or something H does. And he will do stuff. He will press your buttons.

Be gentle with yourself.

Hope you have a great day.

D