Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Mach1, I did say I think on the words said here....

And one reason I bring this up with you, is about the balance of what I speak of....

Nothing...

Everything...

It's a razors edge for sure.

And the next day randomly in my "make a playlist for me Spotify," an artist and song unknown to me. The album "Everything & Nothing" by David Sylvian. Huh.

Blackwater

I hold you in
A sea of silence
On the borderline of truth
Open violence
I see no sign
I see no place I've loved
Depending on the signs
To find the road
...
I see her cry
I see the face I have loved
Depending on the blind
To find the road

Blackwater take me with you
To the place that I have spoken
Come lead me through the morning
For the land that I long to see again

He was also a walkaway, from his first marriage. And I think a lot of that allowed him to find empathy in his situation.

For me? Hmmmm... after all the pain and internal re-examination this year I still would find it hard to ever be a walk away myself. Push comes to shove and all that. For me, empathy comes from examining me from her perspective. Did I really mean my claims and statements over the years?

- "I Love You," Did I really mean it and what does that mean right now?

I discovered I did, and how I felt about US and chose to act was not dependent on whether she was cold or warm. I had CHOSEN at our begining and to me that was final. Yes, I found my definition since our begining was Love is a choice, verb, and then feeling. The choice is permenent for me. The verb I succeed and fail at over the years, but always intend. The feeling...well it follows how well I am doing at the verb.

- What is a M? What are vows?

I rolled this around for a while. I can only hold me accountable for my own. I think what resonated with me was the notion that M is a covenant created by God. We joined it together. Break with God at your peril. Answer to Him for your part.

WW, "But G, you didn't Cherish ME!" What?! I have ALWAYS FELT that way. W used words that didn't translate well to my thought process. Eventually translated - "you didn't say and do things in my language that I would feel cherished by." The notion of her pain and unhappiness, thinking she was not cherrished was more painful than an OM, who is just a symptom. W has had a tendancy since the begining to assume the worst interpretations and roll around in unhappy feelings without telling me.

- "for better or worse," What does this mean to me in this mess?

Jack would have been a fan of you though....

Encouraging you to burn every ounce of fuel to outlast her MLC, to find a way through this while causing minimal damage. To find one more day within yourself. He would ask if she was worth it, the waiting for her to figure herself out before a bell was rung that could not be un-rung..

This is definitionally "worse." When I took four years to say "I Do," I kept working through all the "worse" situations I could think of and testing myself. I still did not imagine this one. For me this mess is an "outside context problem." See Ian Banks novels where the term originates or just google.

Going in I had NO frame of reference to deal with any of this. No doubt a pile of failure on my part by not growing my relationship skills and understanding over the years. I had thought W is certainly more skilled at this than me so I will leave it to her. A faulty way of thinking. Abdicating my responsibilities for my end.

It turns out I meant it. And it is God's covenant I joined with W. So what follows was simple to me. From Love and instinct, I opened the cage door in my first reply to her DB1. I also stated I don't believe it is right or good but is chaos and destruction. My actual words. I will not actively participate. I will not block. I will not deny your agency.

W, "G, if you tell me I can't D, I won't. I will submit but I will be angry and unhappy and separate."
G, "W, I will not keep you like some caged bird."

Trying for minimal damage while balancing all the other things ... How much damage to me do I accept or can bear to minimize others? Damage to her? No, I went very dim/dark since last fall when she moved herself out. I say little. I just do. Though this may be perceived as more of the same. I did not ask for the house key back. There are no restrictions to her coming over for the children. I have more peace NOT in her presence right now but the kids balance now is as good as could possibly be hoped in this.

My metaphor - for her was a little sun shining deep in my core. Now imploded into a black hole and threatening to devour ME. Unless. Unless. I could grow faster than that event horizon could suck bits in.

I have also witnessed several Men in that situation burn out quickly from doing that. The sustained instant accountability becomes overwhelming if the reason is merely obtaining a goal. When the goal fades, so does the façade of changing because we simply felt the need to change...

So, my goal is steps beyond a R with W. I don't control that. I am slowly gaining words to wrap around it. I was asked by W, by IC, by pastor, by others... the short response was to grow. Into what I should have been all along. Into the person, man, father, husband?, friend, son, brother, ... I want to be. I don't think there is an end here to this process. Picking framworks and applying. PIES is useful. Working on known unknowns. Trying to find unknown unknowns.

So, I'm not quiting or stopping. -Till we burn out the sun- If W completes her D, it doesn't change where I'm going. Every week I gain better strength and equlibrium. Not less pain, really. I'm just stronger to accept what is. Analogy - In college days I had a friend who took me to the gym weight lifting every day for a year. I did get a lot stronger that year. The workouts were never less painful though. No matter how strong I got.

Filter - Burn out the Sun

Oh no we're blind again we just lost the sight of it
Everything and all that we had ever done
We need to see again we stopped listening
And that's on all of us this time
Our hearts are still sold from a simple time
And our wants are still old and we do or die
I hope we find a way I hope we get away
Just a rescue from a lost lonely time

I feel so tired
But time keeps marching on
I can't sleep till all
These clouds are gone

Till they're gone
Till they're gone
Till we burn out the sun


I keep thinking I'll make short posts. I keep failing. And these are a fraction of the things I connect each day. The inside joke - I say I'm a simple man. Things often appear simple to me and each thing logically flows from the others. The family rolls their eyes..."G, you are the most complex simple man alive."

g