Sorry for a delay in responding to your post. My best friend was out for a visit and I was unplugged for a few days.
The Midlife Crisis forum is less active than the forum For Newcomers. However, this forum is more for the MLC situations, which are pretty darn slow. (My XW will be coming up on seven years post BD and she is still exhibiting major running behaviours.)
A new poster, MamaG, just joined on For Newcomers. Her H is exhibiting crisis behaviours. You might want to check out her thread. Even offer some encouragement and advice for her.
As for MLC stages, the post replay stages of depression and withdrawal are deep and dark. The MLCer pulls away from everything and everyone. Lots of brooding and self blaming.
To me, your experiences with H only withdrawling from you, sounds like replay. H is presently on his portion of flight when he ignores you. And like a boomerang, in a while he likely will circle back reinitiating some level of contact again.
I do think H is dipping into depression and withdrawal somewhat, and then running back into replay. As odd as it is, replay/running feels safer for him. He doesn’t have your knowledge and logic about the situation, and can only amble along at his pace and his direction. Whatever that may be.
Remember, H is emotionally driven. His decisions and behaviours stem from his emotional side rather than logic or reason. It’s hard to make sense of such nonsensical behaviour. Even H doesn’t have solid reasons for what he is doing, he is more reacting to how he feels at a given moment.
Please don’t fret over what you did or didn’t do, or worry about if you prolonged his crisis. H is broken. You didn’t break him, so you cannot fix him.
H needs to heal and grow up from when he was emotional hurt and stunted all those years ago. And he is, unfortunately, an ill-equipped man for such an undertaking. Not to mention he is running from diggin into it, and doesn’t really see or believe he is the source of his pain and torment.
The likely cause of H’s torment is an authority figure from his childhood, yet H is present day source and reinforcement of his own feelings. And that is a hard lesson to learn, especially for those souls so very lost in crisis.
Time and space my dear. Give H lots of each.
How about you. Are you living the trailer? Or have you moved somewhere? Has the divorce proceeding stalled or is H still pushing them along? How are your finances? H providing his share, if applicable?
How is work? or retirement?
How are the kids? How old are they?
What hobbies you into? Any plans for gardening this summer? Travel?
Just curious is all. You know, filling in some of the blanks.
Hope you’re having a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
