What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Hello MG

Very good summary. You sound quite balanced and grounded. Well done! Good for you. You’ve definitely been getting a life and detaching to get where you presently are.

A question:

Oct 2023: H looks at houses and offer is accepted.

Did H buy a house? Or a rental? Did he move his stuff out?


I’ll see if I can shed any light or share some insight on your particular questions.

Is this MLC?

Short answer, in my opinion, yes.

You touch on MLC not being that Hollywood “get a new red sports car comedic version”.

Real MLC is a consuming decent in to the abyss. A person in crisis is driven by long ago, unrealized, unrecognized, unreconciled, trauma(s) which were inflicted upon their young self by a person in a position of authority. These traumas are significant and of such magnitude to be quite unable to be understood or accepted by such an emotionally/mentally immature child/teenager. As such, the trauma is buried, along with the young person’s self blame, guilt, shame, and so on; as they will, and do, blame themselves. This emotionally stunts them, not allowing the person to mature and grow as they should have.

As life progresses, various triggers occur, stirring up this long ago torment. And usually, the crisis person buries it again. Until mid life.

At mid life, pressures mount. Family and employment responsibilities, mortality, kids growing up and leaving the nest, aging parents, friends passing away, etc, all start to build. A triggering event occurs like has occurred before, yet at mid life the feelings cannot be ignored.

Long ago pains grow and pressure upon them. The person is entering their crisis, and is quite unaware of it. Literally, they have no conscious awareness of their past traumas, and they have no lexicon for how or why they feel as they do. And those feelings grow and grow.

MLC is emotionally driven. Some triggering event occurs, a wedding, birth of a child, a car accident, falling off a cliff, something that underscores their own mortality. They own aging and life’s sand slipping through the hour glass.

We all experience life transitions. And mid life transition is a difficult one to find peace and acceptance with. Likely the most difficulty of life’s transitions. Perfectly normal and healthy. Enter a person with past traumas and that transition goes right off the rails. That is a crisis.

That which is buried alive, will come back to haunt.

The MLCers is under constant and ceaseless torment. Unrecognized torment. They cannot figure it out. They cannot rationalize it. Yet, they feel and suffer it. Those long ago demons, which until midlife could be re-buried, no longer remain silent.

MLC is horrible! Absolutely horrible!

The crisis person is in such pain, is so desperate for relief. And desperate folks do desperate things. So they run.

They run from their ceaseless pain and torment. Lots spend money, do drugs, drink, have affairs, partake in illegal and illicit behaviours and activities, and so on. They are trying to recapture their youth, which they feel they’ve been rob of. Any and all activities to both mute what they are feeling, and to try to feel something. A person in crisis is very lost.

Replay and running are one and the same. The MLCer is replaying their life. They need to. They need to go back and grow up from when they were emotionally stunted. You’ll likely see, or have likely seen, time travel. The MLCer becomes, is, their younger self. A teenager. Much more brash and rebellious. And with a fat wallet. The most rebellious teenage kids is say a 10/10 on the scale, a MLCer is a 15.

A crisis is not rational. The MLCer makes emotional decisions. They are driven to. Their emotions are cranked to eleven, and they have no bandwidth for their spouse, kids, friends, or anyone.

Do I need to drop the rope or continue with enjoying as much time as he'll offer?

Both!

Drop the rope. Or be dragged. That’s your choice.

Let go the rope and give him to God. Let the big guy work on H for a while.

You didn’t break H, therefore you cannot fix him.

As for time with H, invite him to some family events and such. Not all, some. And have no expectations.

H may, or may not attend. Doesn’t matter, keep your expectations dialled to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment. And resentment is like acid to love and relationship.

A MLCer has the attention span of a gnat. They will flake or forget appointment, or simply cannot handle some interaction and will run. Like New Years for example. (Hence, the replay stage, running behaviours.) Do not take it personally. This is H’s journey, and it will be at his speed. You go about your activities regardless of his attendance or not.

Is he turning a corner and beginning to 'accept'? or is he still in replay?

Still in replay.

Tattoos, driving around for hours, moving out, and such. H is looking for time and space. He needs it. And he will take it.

Give him lots of time and space. Focus on you! Live and love your life! Let H figure himself out, and run to catch up to you. You don’t sit around waiting.

Do I continue to embrace him coming into the house as he does (comfortably)?

Read the lighthouse story in the welcome thread. (Link here as well: Lighthouse Story)

As long as interactions are not disrespectful, and you want to see H, having him come and go can be helpful.

This is H’s journey. Nothing you do can speed it up. At best your efforts will be neutral, at worst it will stall him completely. Focusing on you and the kids is your best course.

What boundaries do I establish?

Boundaries are premeditated actions you will take for disrespectful behaviour. Boundaries are for you. They are not some tool to entice behaviour modification, nor are boundaries punishment or a form retribution. Boundaries are for your emotion and mental health. Are actions you enact.

Let’s say H swears at you on the phone. Calls you disrecptpful and derogatory names. You state your boundary, and enforce it when he displays the unwanted behaviour.

“H, when you swear at me, and call me a b!tch, it really hurts me and is very disrespectful. When you do that, I am going to hang up the phone and not speak with you.”

And you enforce said boundary, rock solid!

Rebellious teenagers, especially 15 on a scale of 10, will test your boundaries. It’s normal when our teenagers do it, and so aggravating. One’s MLCer spouse is super aggravating. And they will smash against your boundary looking for weakness.

It’s part of growing up. They, teen or MLCer, needs to know, needs to believe, in your rock solid strength.

Am I doing this right? wrong? What can I change to move us along as I feel like he continues to escape/avoid when there isn't an appt?

Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.

Not being glib here. Every situation is different, and yet similar. However, you are living it. There is no magic answers or bullets, though we can tailor advice to your individual situation the more we know about it.

In my opinion, with what you’ve shared, H is in crisis. And a crisis is a long journey.

The basic path is to give time and space. Let H feel the loss of you and the relationship. He needs to.

A person in crisis has so much feelings of torment, and they incorrectly blame their loving spouse. Realize, the MLCer cannot blame themselves. They truly cannot! Their psyche cannot handle it.

So, they look around their life and see their spouse. In their mixed up addled mind it must be the LBS’s fault. So, they dig and dredge up every corroborating deed and word and action of the past that you did to justify their position. They’ll also twist, fabricate, make up, outright lie, to further their narrative and justifications. They have to!

Like I said, MLC is horrible! The MLCer lies to themselves so very much.

So, with time and space. Other feelings will/can rise in the MLCer. Other feelings like guilt, shame, regret. Other feelings that are useful to your goal.

In time, and with some good fortune H may consider something like:

“Hmmm. MamaG has been bothering me for a long time. And I’m still unhappy. Hmmm. Perhaps it’s not her fault. Perhaps it’s me.”

Most MLCers run from such. The MLCer will bait and goad their LBS into arguments and such to resupply their justifications and narrative. Do not take the bait. Let go the rope.

With time, and fate, and karma, lots of intervention that have absolutely nothing to do with you, H might see it differently. And might look inward.

It’s possible. And I hope he does. And it’s well out of your hands.

Focus on you and your kids. Keep moving forward.

What can I change to move us along

You cannot move “us” along.

You only control three things in life. Your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions.

You can move forward. You cannot move, nor force H to do so. In fact, he will fight against such.

Do I acknowledge our 26th anniversary in 2 days? If so, how?

Follow H’s lead in these type of things.

MLCers cannot handle pressure. Any pressure and they bolt. Pressure, trying to change them, forcing them, pushing the, right out the door.

Me suggestion. Get a card. A generic card. Not a lovey-dovey card for sure.

If H gives you a card, you’ll have one for him. If he lets the day go unrecognized, do the same.

It’s like relationship talks advice. Initiate no R-talks. Not for quite some time. H cannot handle the pressure. If H initiates an R-talk, proceed very very carefully. Let him do the talking.


That’s a lot of stuff to sift through and process. I do hope some resonates with you.

Have a great day.

D