2020-2023: H would say he was sad but didn't know why. Some reasons I suspect contributed to his sadness: H's mom passed unexpectedly April 2018; S23 moved out to college dorms 9/2019; D21 moved out to college dorms 9/2021
Feb 2023: H came home from work in deep anxiety attack and tears. H doesn't cry (Ever!) so I immediately consoled him to learn that he was confused and afraid to tell me that he had been eating daily brownies with pot for the last two years. Two days later, I asked him to move out because I can't live with an addict. While I regret this now, at the time, it felt right. H didn't move out. We talked and connected deeply over the next 6 months, including several vacations/getaways. H 'proved' he wasn't addicted by not having any edibles for 2 months but celebrated with one on 4/20/23. From then on, he kept craving and needing the fix (I assume to medicate the sadness that he still carried)
July 2023: H suggested he see a therapist - never did. H's friend passes of heart attack
Aug 2023: H going out with friends until late hours and drinking. H's childhood friend passes of cancer
Sept 2023: Bomb drop requesting space because it's not going to work - H shouts out reasons: H will never take something out for dinner; H will never remember to take out the dog; H will never come up with his own todo list; H will never plan a vacation; I shouldn't tell him what music to listen to; H doesn't like how I manage money tightly. We didn't talk for 3 days until he called me from work to tell me that he's sick of being controlled and is filing for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. H goes out every night and reports back that he drives around for hours on end listening to music. H cringes at me saying "I love you". H can't be hugged or kissed. Started sleeping in son's bedroom. Asked me to not refer to him with pet names. H be called by his name only.
Oct 2023: H looks at houses and offer is accepted. H can't look at me; can't be touched; doesn't want to talk; H behaves as a teenager, coming home from bars and beginning to vape. H never drank other than socially; didn't vape or smoke since he was 20. H contacts mediator and we hold an intro session where H is very engaged in how fast can D happen. H still drives around for hours, can't be hugged or kissed. Still sleeping in son's bedroom. H is visibly depressed and cries 8 to 10 times a day in front of me. Pretends to be happy with others. H gets a tattoo because that's his therapy - when I asked him what it meant to him, he couldn't provide any clarity. I think he realized that as he tried to put words together.
Nov 2023: I learn I have cancer and he softens. Wants to take me to all doctor appts, oncologists, etc. Not sure why the interest in my well being. H agrees that it's not wise to come home at 3 or 4 in the morning and agrees that he'll sleep on friends couch if coming home before 11 isn't going to happen. He slept out a couple nights at most. H still drives around for hours, but can now be hugged with prior permission. Still no "I love you's". Still sleeping in son's bedroom. But, for 6 weeks, at my request, he'd come into our bed to hold me as I was having panic attacks. H embrace was calming. Sometimes he was very uncomfortable but did it anyway. Until one night we had an intimate moment that was repeated often for 6 weeks...until he moved out. Thanksgiving was very hard - it also happens to be the anniversary of his grandpa passing when he was just 8. H struggled (as did I).
Dec 2023: H moved out and goes pretty silent for most of Dec. H comes around to wrap kids gifts, grab wrapping paper and a couple items he's forgotten to pack. H came over xmas morning and it was very hard. H held me, kissed me and committed to talking really soon. I thought this was it - he's come to his senses. WRONG! No texts; No calls; no Happy New Year.
Jan 2024: H wants to talk every day. Called me a couple days and then that ended. Only time we'd talk is to align on time for the next day's doc appt that were 2 hours away. I looked forward to my cancer appts so that we could spend the day together - it took an hour to warm up to each other but the rest of the day was comfortable like we didn't miss a day in each other's lives. Sometimes holding hands and embracing (mostly for support). H is visibly depressed and confused. Although I rarely call him, if I do, it's during work and he picks up and carries on for about an hour - mostly about work. H is excited to talk (not sure if its excited to talk with me or to just simply talk to someone). H gets 2 tattoos and reminds me that it's his therapy. H sends occasional texts to kids that don't ask questions and kids aren't sure how to respond. Text will say something like, Today is going to be a better day.
Feb 2024: I had surgery and he came by daily to care for me for about an hour. H and I agree to try dinners twice a week. H suggested Wed which I reminded him was Valentine's Day. H said, how about Thursday then bc he's not comfortable with 2/14. We had a few dinners but it was too difficult with late nights at work. That stopped. Cancer appts continued and provided 1 or 2 days a week of connection. Things were great when we were together....just like old-times. One day, as we enjoyed dinner after an appt, we stared into each others eyes with warm tender love while holding hands. I told him "I love you" and tears started rolling down his face. WHY? Later that week, on 2/14/23, I learn about MLC reactions (not the red car definition) and unresolved grief impacts on the psyche. It was eye-opening. H is still depressed and is quite forgetful but now I'm beginning to understand why...I think. H is not as anxious nor stressed to come by. Leaves our home one afternoon "to do laundry" and instead goes to get a nose ring and pierce his ears.
Mar 2024: We talked for an hour about grief and impacts grief can have on someone. I told him that I'm not suggesting our relationship was perfect but that it's understandable what he's going through - it was presumptuous of me but it seemed to resonate and he didn't combat my thoughts.. I ran through the above timeline and traumatic events. H was very attentive and it felt like he was surprised that I get it. I told him that I will stick it out or give him the D he wants. I just want him to be happy and let him know that for this reason, I didn't shed a single tear through the conversation. H cried a couple times. H left and appeared to be in deep thought - not much talking from his end. He managed to 1. express fear that I'm just faking my positive changes and that if he returns, it'll be bad again because anyone can be fake for a couple of hours. 2. note that he has many bad days (depressed?) but they're not all attributable to me. 3. share that he doesn't want to rush into D but in Jan he had second thoughts which is why H suggested daily talks. He's trying to figure it out. 4. Remind me that he's still leaning towards D but isn't sure. (My response was to schedule time with mediator for this week. He suggested we wait until after Easter 3/31). There's been no mention of D since. H also happened to mention that he's not sure God can help him. H is sure he needs to do this alone. At end of talk, he said he'd need a couple days to recover and connect. Still hasn't brought any of this back up.
Apr 2024: Early in April, for the first time, I shared how this is impacting me. I let him know that he abandoned me, the kids and the house. It's hard to maintain everything with 2 dogs while going through medical issues. H initial response was to walk out but he caught himself and talked it out. I thanked him and acknowledged that he had made a positive change. H was happy to see that I noticed. H agrees that I haven't been pressuring him nor do I give him anxiety like I did. He's gotten more comfortable with holding hands and spending time together, but still doesn't suggest dates. We only get together for cancer. I asked if he'd reach out when he's ready to talk again and he said he would. I asked him if he was scared to talk to me - H said no. I think he's begun to awaken and feel ashamed...and scared to admit it/apologize. I could be wrong....and hopeful. I sent him a text after spending happy hours together - no response. Why is he a picture perfect husband through cancer appts days and then a stranger?
Our anniversary is in 2 days. We haven't made any reference to it yet. He's taking me to a cancer appt that day. What do I do?
All this time (Dec 2023 through now): H pulls into the garage like he still lives here. H wears his wedding band daily. H comes into the master bedroom and chooses to use the M bath. H provides hugs willingly if requested and approved. H ghosts me between appts - and if I reach out with a rare text, he doesn't respond. H has no interest in repairing nor maintaining our home. "I have my own to take care of". H will suggest we play cards (like we would) or binge watch Netflix for an afternoon (like we would). H refuses therapy. H knows I love him and will never give up trying...but will give him D if that's what he wants. I (and kids) have been in therapy since Sept 2023 I have learned about codependency and tried to go dark in Feb/Mar/Apr but it's hard with cancer and I'm not convinced that I really want to drop the rope. I still wonder (without evidence) if there is an affair that I'm not seeing. I continue to offer a listening ear and to help him at anytime. I have GAL to a larger degree than I thought I could but find myself addicted to learning about where he is in the MLC phases (and if it's MLC that he's going through). I think of his wellbeing before mine and some days, still cry OUT LOUD for hours like this happened yesterday. I turn to God often and try to honor "Thy will be done." but don't always know how to implement this in practice. I've read many many many articles, including HB and some DB. Still, I struggle to apply what I read. I can't always connect the reading to my situation and timeline.
Is this MLC? Do I need to drop the rope or continue with enjoying as much time as he'll offer? Is he turning a corner and beginning to 'accept'? or is he still in replay? Do I continue to embrace him coming into the house as he does (comfortably)? What boundaries do I establish? Am I doing this right? wrong? What can I change to move us along as I feel like he continues to escape/avoid when there isn't an appt? Do I acknowledge our 26th anniversary in 2 days? If so, how?
