Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Everything you do...

11:30p Saturday night. Mach1, Thank you for stoping by and adding to my story. I’ve been thinking about what you post and now T2’s story (as I find time to read) multiples times a day. I feel a kinship and you are right on the similarities. I just haven’t written my examination of myself here. Or thought trails from each section of your posts.

And that there is nothing that you can say or do to change this, yet everything that you say or do will change this....

LOL, yea....when that makes sense, you will be on your way....

I have felt the shape of this since early on. Like many things, the devil is in the execution.

You see, when the bomb dropped I quickly looked over my life and found many things needing correcting. One of which was the lack of friends and mentors in my daily life…as I had not been cultivating them in my complacency, depression, etc…. Both the usual story and my own. I see you all as helping to fill in some of the gaps. Oh, to be sure, this does not negate the need for friends and mentors physically present right here, but I knew right from the initial critical analysis, that time was both a gift and my enemy. Many things needing fixing take more time than I had as the need was RIGHT NOW.

Time, time, time…. Prioritizing, sorting, balancing all the things. Work to pay the bills, Animals to take care of, Household chores and maintenance to do. Oh! I forgot. $%#@ I have to move laundry from washer to dryer RIGHT NOW before I forget again and fall asleep. Be right back. … OK. D19 (!! Today Saturday is her birthday, no longer D18 !!), D17, S12 to give each individual attention and time to, Meals to make, groceries to get, fitness to keep up with, books to read, family talk to, Kids activities to do, saw a L three weeks ago for draft settlement review and still haven’t written up the changes I want, DB forum to read, DB posts to write somehow…. And the list goes on without a partner.

I feel blessed and exhausted both. I made a determination to myself early on that kids staying with me, with all the extra effort and money it takes, is my win and my blessing. I will step up and not regret a single minute. A couple days in the life of G...the everything I do and say.

Just before bedtime tonight, “hey D17, we should eat these Kiwi fruits now before they go bad“
D17, “Daaaad, we just got them yesterday!”
G, “What?! Did we really? It seems so long ago. What have I been doing? Let me think starting with yesterday, Friday.”

0630 get up, take vitamins, put on shorts, take big dog for a mile walk, feed dogs, shower, make breakfast, help D17 feed baby bird

0715 fire up the work laptop computer as I can work from home today. Check in.

0830 ask D17 to go shopping with me at 0900 for D18’s last birthday gifts and stop by grocery store on the way back. Grumpy at first but agrees and cheers up. See D18 out the door for work. S12 wakes up, make sure he has something to eat.

0930 get text W is taking S12 out for a bit. Wait for an hour and then send back “OK.”

1000 find Lego cars D18 wants, figure out it costs lots less to order online and pick up in the store in an hour, EVEN THOUGH I’M STANDING IN THE STORE! Pick up other small gifts and party supplies. Head out for groceries and will come back for online order pickup….sigh.

1030 get most of the groceries we will need for the next week (those kiwi fruits), head back to first store to pick up online Lego car order.

1130 arrive home again, S12 is back, help make lunch for all, start work again. Find W had gone for donuts with S12 and left a box.

1600 Grab D17 and S12 to take big dog to the dog park for socializing and run about time. Kids need to get out also. S12 grumpy about leaving his computer game. Promise him he can set a 45 minute timer at the park and then we can leave. He settles down as he does better with defined end states.

1800 back working for a bit and then out the door to take D17 to work at her gym then back to work for some more. Give up on work, it is a Friday, and play computer game with S12, D18 arrives home.

1900 make pizza for all with pre-made roll out dough

2030 head out to pick up D17 and return, have everyone help with dishes and some clean up. D17 makes cake for tomorrow’s birthday party.

2130 get kids started on any last hungry issues, gather up dogs for evening walk w/ S12 before bed. He is unhappy because it is D18’s turn but she promises to do the next few nights.

2230 all about ready for bed but each comes and visits me for this or that reason. S12 asks where is mom? “I don’t know son.”

2330 I think I can turn out the light now. Mind spins around thinking DB thoughts. I do not get enough sleep with this schedule.


0630 get up, take vitamins, put on shorts, take big dog for a mile walk, feed dogs, shower, make breakfast, help D17 feed baby bird. She goes back to sleep. Weekend sleeping in does not exist any more for me. Take care of little dogs

0700 D19! Now! Opens one eye and I wish her Happy Birthday. She shuts eye again. Ask her to get up as I’m taking S12 and D19! on a bike ride with a friend I’ve made this year. Our daughters knew each other before, though his are much younger. We need to leave at 8. I hook up bike rack and fasten bikes and gather supplies.

0730 D17 leaves with W for gym.

0800 Me, S12 and D19! depart for his house where there are paved trails. We stop by drive through donut shop for breakfast sandwiches. We, along with friend and two of his kids, ride bikes at a leisurely pace for the kids with a grocery store destination. I buy a 18 pack of popsicles, three each, and we eat them all. We get back to his house just in time for him to depart for a swim graduation

1100 arrive home and ensure kids help put away all biking stuffs.

1130 It turns out W texts D19 and asks her to pick up D17 from gym as she forgot a prior engagement. D19 is upset with W for throwing last minute tasks at her repeatedly. I said I’d go and get D17. Ask D19 to do lunch things for S12.

1200 pick up D17 from gym and take her to pet store to buy more baby bird food. She wants to bring home rescued kittens. I say NO. Buy her a chicken sandwich lunch as the other two got a take out breakfast. She is always extra hungry after gym.

1245 package delivered with some of D19’s gifts. Whew! Got lucky.

It also contains a PD-1638 mechanical watch mentioned in Sunflyer's thread. I picked silver and blue. A 180? Maybe as I haven't worn a watch in 20+ years. This was more for taking care of me as I love complicated mechanical things.

1300 Start Birthday Party prep with D17 and S12. D19 told to stay in her room. Balloons, streamers, frosting the cake made last night, dinosaur theme and we have little wind up dinosaurs. Final presents wrapped. Our fingers all stained from food coloring for the frosting.

1330 W arrives for our little party. She goes and lays on couch, facing the wall. Apparently napping. S12 covers her with blanket. D17 and I bounce around with final prep. D19 complains of being bored waiting.

1400 Gifts, cake, song. Happy smiles. Out of a gift set, D17 claims clip on earrings D19 doesn’t want. D19 seems happy with her gifts.

D17, “Daddy, D19 said she would get her ears pierced again if you did. You did promise you would and I want a second one in my right ear.”
G, “OK, I did promise. Look up where and we will make plans.”
W, … looks on at the conversation. Can’t tell what she thinks….

This is a 180 for me certainly. I’ve never had a desire or gotten any tattoos or piercings. I’m doing it to step out of my comfort zone and for daughters. Perhaps an example to S12. My only caveat is mine must be masculine.

1500 W departs looking tired.

1530 D17 wants to to it right now today. O! OK, I say, find a place and the requirements. We will do it right now. We find out she needs a notarized state permission form as she is a minor. I search and find a public notary service open on a Saturday. Print the form.

This is another 180 for me. I like to take my time and consider all the factors and implications. Do it right now... feels odd and exciting.

1600 We depart leaving S12 at home playing game update he had been waiting for. Find and accomplish the notarized form. Find the tattoo/piercing place. It is clean and professional looking. Interesting cast of employees and their semi-revealing dress and creative use of language. They were all kind and helpful. I ask for D19 about the swim lessons she teaches and healing. They say absolutely not within 30+ days.

She looks crushed and about to burst into tears. She had worked up her courage, worked her heart into acceptance, would have something meaningful on her birthday to remember with us…but…to be denied because she needed her work. I resisted the urge to fix it for her. I tried to validate how she felt. As D17 and I get ours done, D19 messages friends and they recommend water sealing bandaids and ear covers. I tell D19 that is an acceptable risk if she still wants to get her ears done. We just won’t tell the piercing place… she considers.

I go first and have left ear done with small black onyx pin. D17 goes next and squeezes my hand next to crushing, though I give no sign how hard she squeezes. She gets a small emerald color gem in upper ear. D19 has joy and fear in her face now when I ask her decision. She says yes, let’s do it. The technician takes a look at her ears and says hey wait, you have old holes in your ears I think I can just open back up. It will save you $$ and recovery time! Both ear piercings are opened back up with an audible “POP!” And some pain. D19 refuses to squeeze my hand. She gets small clear gems in each ear. I pay for us all. The titanium costs extra, but let us do this right. D19 opens up about how upset she was. Just about breaking down and sitting in the car. She is beaming now though and ordering ear coverings online.

1900 back home and making some food. Birthday mess cleanup will wait until tomorrow. D19 heads to store to meet friend and spend gift cards. The rest all relax for an hour. Whew what a day so far.

2000 set about collecting medical bills for insurance plan purposes

2100 help with baby bird feeding, get dogs ready for evening walk, minor pick up the house

2130 when taking out trash, notice W sitting outside the house in her car, apparently doom scrolling social media on her phone. I wonder how long she has been there. She doesn’t notice me I think. D19 messages she will be back home at 2200 to walk dogs with me.

2145 W enters house briefly and dogs go nuts. She calls out to S12 to meet her outside and exits again. S12 was on his way to brush his teeth and continues on to do so.

2200 I walk dogs with D19 and W is still outside on her phone, going and coming back.

2230 W group messages to send S12 out to her. D19 does so. Did she really wait outside in her car for over an hour?

2300 everyone is finally in their beds. I look over Mach1’s post and think of all the things I thought about writing

2330 It is now 11:30p on Saturday night and I’m finally writing something. It turns into something about time, everything we do and say, and inspired by Kiwi fruits, and being so busy I forget things.

g