Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

“I need someone who needs me and can’t live without me.” Realize that these are the words of someone who has a hard time finding happiness and that purpose they seek within themselves. They seek validation from others; otherwise they question their self-worth. They are feeling desperation. They will be vulnerable to affairs. It is better to feel one's worth inherently than to rely on others to reflect it.

This has been an on and off issue for a long time. From what I have been learning this year, most women need more external validation than I thought. I had thought her stronger internally...after all we both came up though a similar military experience which toughens you.

We even were in the same same unit (different years) in initial officer schooling. The unit known for bringing up all the oddballs. We met at our first assignment through an unlikely series of events...call it a miracle where two personalities you would not normally associate with military service were put together and found they were aligned in lots of interests and almost every value.

The following message sequence was from just under three years ago. A couple years after retiring from military reserves because of persistent health issues (could no longer pass the fitness test). W is closest to an INFJ, feels like she has to jump in and help any friend that has needs, and never asks for help when she needs it.

G: <heart emoji>

W: I want to not be here. I am just one big mistake.
W: I think it all boils down to this: I haven’t won anything for years. I have been at the bottom of the barrel for years, since about 2016 when I switched to the job in Alabama. I feel like I do very little right, that I keep helping other people win but no one helps me except you guys.
W: Individually it’s a minor mishap
W: But with everything else for ages it just feels like life is mediocre and no fun and isn’t going to go anywhere. And I actually have things so good other people would die to have what I have. But I’m tired of humiliation and last place
W: I’m tired of stupid stuff I feel like my friends wouldn’t hug me just laugh at me or one up me or tell me how talented they all are or how many millions of kids they attract to their troops or how they have pristine houses or win win win off the back of my encouragement and always be there.
W: Am I that way to others? I think that’s what I need to focus on is how can I be better to others especially the kids.

G: From the book listening to...   “There is a quote from her writing in the book:

“And this is wisdom in a weary land;
ask nothing,
shut your teeth upon your need,
“SELVA OSCURA,” JOY DAVIDMAN”.

It is this image of shutting your teeth upon your needs that speaks to me of the same problem. How many women quietly suffer in the world in this way, I wonder?

The book was "Becoming Mrs. Lewis" by Patti Callahan, a biography written in the form of a historical novel. Joy Davidman, an accomplished author in her own right, was C.S. Lewis wife for four years before dying of cancer.

I showed this quote to an officer who served with her. He found it not matching reality...that she had more success than most of her peers.

I also note she says no one helps her but me and the kids. The complaint this year was she gave and gave and I didn't give back.

Your W should realize that it is good to replace the word "need" with "want." And I think being someone who "can't live without" her is too big a burden to place on you or, for that matter, anyone.

The need to feel desired above all seems to have overridden everything else right now. To the point where, to my stunned disbelief, last year I heard from W "he said he would leave his wife for me" and "he felt like killing himself in the past but I gave him hope" and she did not see it as red flags, but as the most amazing pursuit she had ever felt.

g