Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Continuing GAL… I went to a mens night movie with a friend at his church. He is someone I didn’t know before this last year, but have made the effort to get acquainted with. Our sons are good friends. This is the first time he has asked me to go do something.

Attraction, hypergamy, etc… The mens night was showing the movie “The Hill” and the man whose life it is based on was a guest. Kind of a melodramatic true story and really pulls your emotions around when they are already raw. There were a number of parts I noted, but one sticks in my mind. The young baseball player Ricky Hill has upcoming tryouts for the Major League. Because of his injuries and degenerative disease, this risks being in a wheelchair the rest of his life. He is deciding to give up his dream so as not to risk it. His girlfriend tells him she will only stick around for the man pursuing his dream, NOT for one who picks the safe and stable route. He, the man, must maintain his mission in life or she walks….

Embracing limbo, uncertainty …. Figuring out how to enjoy the the present when the life I thought I had has been nuked. The children living with me has been my exhausting blessing. Now they usually come to me for all the little things. W and D18 were out on a 3 day trip for D18 who has an upcoming birthday this weekend. Did a shopping trip with D17 and found a prom dress for her. Double checked with my sisters and they approved my/her choice. I think I was the only father within shouting distance LOL. Then did more shopping with D17 for D18’s birthday, ended up with glitter on me and exercising my pretty pretty princess skills.

I’m finding The Beauty Between.

Painting the world to be hopeless
Painting it perfect and fine
Put what I want on the canvas
Every color my design

How do I hold all of the discord?
All of my answers collide
Fighting for progress in quicksand
There's no truth between the pride

Nobody sees all the pieces
Tricky to balance a beast
I am a pendulum swinging
Still, I know You're holding me

When the sky is falling, when life is a dream
I fortunately fall into the beauty between
Only God above me, painting my scene
I fortunately fall into the beauty between

And on my bedside table The Beauty of the In-Between: Finding God in the Silence, the Struggle, and the Places In-Between by Matthew Nelson. I’ll let you know. “The Beauty of the In-Between is about learning to fully embrace the space between where you are and where you want to be. It’s about embracing God's process; the ups and downs, zigzags, uncertainties, struggles, detours, seasons of doubt, and the waiting.“

This is difficult because All the emotions.

Waiting for the sunrise, To see what we'd do
Would we be strong, Could we be true?
Dreaming in the downtime, With promise to prove
Moments to pass, Pass into view

Ooh...
All the emotions

Continuing the upset series…. W texts she is coming over to say goodnight to kids but will stay outside to make it quick and not have dogs and kids all bouncing around. I take a tired and emotional D18 to walk the dogs but when I arrive back W has gone into house. Dogs get agitated and tired D18 has minor tiff with D17 who won’t let the slight go. I start to address the issue of the upset though not fix their dispute. (D17 later remarked, yes, I don’t like it when people try to fix my problems.). W however, then jumps in with both feet to address and critique their relationship skills. I take S12 to get ready for bed and remove us from the discussion resulting. D18 walks out eventually and lays down on my bed asking for a hug. It took an hour but W and D17 eventually conclude with smiles. S12 brushes his teeth and them also comes and lays on my bed.

Aside on kids behavior towards W…. After getting a goodnight from W, the children will go about their night routines upstairs and go to bed without further contact with W. She exits alone, no kids at the door, after taking care of an Angora rabbit of hers. (She had a second Angora rabbit, but she did not take care of it enough and it died a month ago.)

Aside on W’s new project, again…. W piped up about dog training again. After taking big dog for only one training session she has not gone back to continue, so far. Plans seem to rapidly rotate and evolve. A few days ago W, “G, if it is OK with you I will take big dog for training. OH, I mean as the dog I will use to be trained as a dog trainer.” Oh, … yet another job type? Good thing I zeroed expectations of her months ago.

Still, it feels like Failure

Life will come our way, It has only just begun
The world will die alone, The frail will fall below
Time will take our place, We return it back to one
The calm before the cold, The long and lonely road

Look for the light that leads me home
Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down
Failure

Tonight's GAL, off to the brew pub for trivia night. I haven't been able to make it for two weeks. Business travel and then D17 and S12's graduation exercise from their homeschool coop.

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