Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[Sunflyer]

And many others. See how many “fill in the blanks” similarities there are in Jack Three Beans story reposted by AmyC. They both had a lot of experience and insights to share and well worth your time to read.

Yep, a lot of similarities. Also reading through that perimenopausal stuff in your situation rang a lot of bells. The ages of your W and mine basically the same. Mine now postmenopausal.

Now, well, I can see from your story and others back through the archives - I am not alone, my faults are not a reason to walk away, and OM, well he is at minimum dishonorable and selfish. My WW may give him power over herself, but that is not MY responsibility and I do not have to justify myself to the almighty for it.

Absolutely. That mess is on her side of the street. You need only worry about yours. Coming to this realization relieved me of taking more blame than I needed to.

And me. And what it is immensely frustrating that all I read here and in books about an EA or PA suggests the emotions override the vows, values, and everything else. I grieve at the lost time and effort that could have been spent repairing and healing. There I go with logic!

Exactly. The person being left is the fixer. They want to repair things. The person walking out is fueled purely on emotion, so logic will not reach them.

It took me four years to marry my W when she was ready much earlier. She was an emotional mess for the first two years and co-dependent on her mother. I worked through that with her with open ended listening and empathy. I saw the promise in her. For me, I had to work through the question “could I commit permanently? Could I commit for life through the worst I could imagine?” I only said “I do” AFTER being able to answer “yes.”

Obviously, things were not always ideal for you any more than they were always ideal for her. Yet you did not turn to someone else when it was difficult.