Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Sunflyer,

Not much I can add, other than that my situation is practically a mirror of yours.

And many others. See how many “fill in the blanks” similarities there are in Jack Three Beans story reposted by AmyC. They both had a lot of experience and insights to share and well worth your time to read.

Jack's Story

Once upon a time, Jack was complacent in his marriage and home life. He did the bare minimum, as did his wife. As parents they were “there" but not really there for their two wonderful boys. Jack lost himself from the troubles, cares and boredom of the world in video games. Jack's wife lost herself in the attention of Jack's friend.

That was a year and a half ago, more or less. My story is much like anyone else's. We could make a form and leave blank spaces here for all of the new people.

A year plus into this I can identify here now. It is uncomfortable. Where did she go?

Now Jack, doesn't know if he wants her in his life. The things that he used to be able to swallow stick in his throat. He sometimes see the friend he used to have, but mostly it is just this person sitting across from him, this stranger who looks like someone he used to know.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=927227

Even when you may feel like you have nothing to say, simply thank you for stopping by. For me, when we do this it says someone understands, someone cares, you are not alone. I started in Lamentations, feeling alone, feeling like my faults were the sum of things, and feeling like OM's power loomed large.

Look, LORD, and see how I have become dishonored.
Is this nothing to you, all you who pass by?
Look and see: Is there any grief like my grief dealt out to me,
by which the LORD afflicted me in the time of his fierce wrath?
He sent fire from on high, making it penetrate my bones.
He stretched out a net at my feet, forcing me to turn back.
He made me desolate; I'm fainting all day long.
The yoke of my sins was bound on, fastened together by his hand.
They settled on my neck; he caused my strength to fail.
The LORD placed me in the power of those I cannot resist.

Of course these are not the TRUTH, but often how we FEEL at the time. Now, well, I can see from your story and others back through the archives - I am not alone, my faults are not a reason to walk away, and OM, well he is at minimum dishonorable and selfish. My WW may give him power over herself, but that is not MY responsibility and I do not have to justify myself to the almighty for it.

Zues126 quote on marriage vows. It expresses my views better than anything else I've read.

And me. And what it is immensely frustrating that all I read here and in books about an EA or PA suggests the emotions override the vows, values, and everything else. I grieve at the lost time and effort that could have been spent repairing and healing. There I go with logic! Sandi2, FightingFit, AmyC, …. and other ladies who gave their inside experience with affairs and MLC, shows logic and doing what is right don’t matter to those in it.

My W said to me, "I just want to get through this with the minimum amount of pain." ... from me, OM, OM's wife, our kids, OM's kids?, herself ... It was not about what was right or vows or anything else. When told some of my story, others described it as running away behaviors. Running, running away from pain and unhappiness. A very MLC type behavior.

This is hard to comprehend (to grok) for me. It took me four years to marry my W when she was ready much earlier. She was an emotional mess for the first two years and co-dependent on her mother. I worked through that with her with open ended listening and empathy. I saw the promise in her. For me, I had to work through the question “could I commit permanently? Could I commit for life through the worst I could imagine?” I only said “I do” AFTER being able to answer “yes.”

g