Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Thanks catman and D, I'll have further thoughts later. In the mean time I wrote this morning while making breakfast for the kids, after walking big dog at dawn . D17 had fed the baby bird, a green cheek conure whose feathers are only half grown in, and gone back to sleep.
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I woke up at 6a Saturday morning to get D17 up for her gymnastics meet. I help with feeding her baby bird and then take big dog out for his morning 1 mile walk. W arrived 7a to pick up D17. I say hello to W and goodby to D17. It is one of her last meets this year.

D17, “Daddy, you can come see me if you want to. Just if you want to though. You don’t have to.”

I haven’t been to many. Mostly just W takes her because their cost structure is expensive for any family or visitors. This one was $15 to park each car and $20 per guest or family besides the gymnast. I ponder how important it is to D17 to see me there. I’m often times too literal. Does she really mean it’s not that important and optional? Or is this child code for I really wish you would be there to show your support? I decide I’ll go and see her, though I don’t tell anyone but D18 to make it a surprise. Feels more fun that way.

I quickly get ready and drive the 40 minutes to the meet. I spot W across the Arena sitting alone, scrolling on her phone, with no one nearby, her bag in the seat next to her, though I’m pretty sure she knows some of the other gym moms. I make my way over and sit next to her bag. W, “OH, hello. D17 is over there. You can always tell because she has the biggest hair bun!” She does have waist length hair. We watch in mostly silence with some small talk about the gymnastics. I pull out my laptop and work on some work expense claims I had not been able to get to during the week. I make her chuckle and roll her eyes when I explain how badly the corporate claims system is designed. i.e. just as bad some of the government systems we have both experienced in the past.

D17 forfeits two events gracefully because of her injured ankle. The other two she does well at. She waves happily at us.
W, “G, would you like to take D17 out for lunch after? Instead of me?”
G, “sure, I’d be happy to”
I’m not sure of meanings here. I decide I won’t try to understand. I’ll just be happy with D17’s company.
…. a little while later …
W, “You know I didn’t mean to imply anything by that. Like you don’t do things with her. Just your and her schedules often don’t match up. Just wanted to offer the opportunity. I know you and S12 went biking.”
G, “Its OK. I didn’t take it as anything.”

I wonder if W understands we do spend lots of time together as all three live with me. We go do things together in various mixes of Dad and kids from grocery shopping, to bike rides, to blueberry picking, to going to the beach. Though, making space for individual child time is harder as I am working full time and keeping up with the household alone.

When W does come over to spend most weekday daytimes in the house with them she does their schooling and brings food sometimes (gas station takeout, quick bake pizza, or treats usually). W also has been doing most of the medical appointments and D17’s daytime transportation.

D17 and I pick up food to eat on the way home. She navigates the app on my phone to order and picks our lunch. After eating she falls asleep as the car is warm and cozy.

Afterword - We stopped to get plumbing supplies for a leaking toilet I’m fixing and then also picked out three tomato plants for D17’s garden.

After Afterword - W stops in an hour after we get back and makes S12 some instant ramen noodles with an egg on the bottom. She doesn't usually come over on weekends except to say goodnight. After she leaves, S12 says the noodles and egg didn't turn out like he expected and asks if he can throw them out. I say sure, sometimes the experiment doesn't work out like we want.

g