Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Friday night D17 and W had a blowup. Again. D17 is the most morally legalistic, often rigidly fragile, and most needy for mom’s attention. She had a gymnastics meet Saturday and has been a bit on edge about it because of an injured foot. She could only compete in 2 of 4 events. She is also one to freak out for a while when things don’t go right in the lead up but has grace under pressure during.

W has always done up her hair for meets and often the night before. W came over late, ~9:30p at D17’s request . A few minutes later while W was talking to S12, D17 shrieked in upset and W got fearful, then angry when she found out it was just about hair tangles. Words were said and W went out the door in high emotion saying “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this anymore.”

Ten minutes later she came back in to talk with D17. More words were said. I hear D17 in shaky tears say “I need space, let me be, I can’t talk about this right now, let me be, leave me alone right now” and she locks herself in the bathroom. W comes downstairs, where I am attempting to be the calm in the storm with S12, and just stares in emotion and anger at me. I remained calm and silent, giving her full attention, and waiting for her to say something. After a minute W just stomped out the door. I pray I did this right. I have gone very dim since last September.

I went over to where D17 was and said through the door, “I’m here when you want. I’m here if you need hugs.”
D17, “Is mom gone?”
G, “I don’t know D17. She went out the door.”
D17 came out for a hug and explained about her hair and her concern and emotions dealing with it. D17, “Daddy, can you do my hair? I just can’t reach part of it”.
G, “I can, though I’m not that experienced at it like your mom.”
D17, “Well, maybe my sister D18 can do it.”
I carefully said nothing about W, just tried to be the rock D17 could count on if she wanted my help or an emotional safe place. I’m not coming between W and D now.

D18 arrived home at this point, “I talked to mom on the way in. She is out in her car crying and beating herself up about this.”
D17, “Um, is she coming in? Can you do my hair instead?”
D18, “I don’t know, and yes I can do your hair if you want me to.”
D17, “I don’t know. I don’t know. What does mom want to do?“
D18, “Just tell me if you want me to do it or not.”
D17, “I don’t KNOW! Did mommy say anything?”
D18 Clearly does not want to be a go between. D17 Clearly doesn’t want to offend mom but doesn’t want to deal with turmoil.

I take the big dog out for evening walk while they discuss, as is was late and well past time. W is sitting in her vehicle staring at her phone. I walk the usual 1 mile and when I get back W is in the house. Just inside the door, D17 meets me saying shhhhhhh and motions me two walk the other two dogs. I hear D18 and W in the kitchen. I hear W sobbing, “ … 8 to 10 YEARS! 8 to 10 YEARS!” D18, “Mom, you haven’t let it go. You have a whole life to live.” I wonder how much of what W is saying is the WW script and how much is a real critique. It is hard to tell. She has legitimate complaints about things I just did not understand. Though never of the heart or intention.

I take the other two dogs out for 1 mile again. On my way back, I see W walking alone down the street. I stop and let the dogs greet her. W, “I’m sorry I was rude/out of line before.” G gently accepting, “OK.” W nods and continues on her walk alone. There appear to be tears.

When I get back D17’s hair was done. I get all three kids to head to their night time routines. I touch base with each and say goodnight to each when in bed… 2 hours later than normal. When I check outside before going to bed myself, W’s car is gone.

My heart hurts. I sleep poorly.

g