As to my WW's EA at least, addiction, withdrawal or not, what follows, and feels. Though it doen't change what I needs/must do.
Today's writing was triggered by three song lyrics that fit my thoughts because again, sometimes the right words to describe something are not easy to come by. The first song is about heroin addiction but the parallels struck me ... the title about where many of us were in our R and M when this kicks off, verse 1 about what our spouse was feeling, and then where we are going and feeling.
Running to stand still
[Verse 1] And so she woke up Woke up from where she was lyin' still Said I gotta do something About where we're goin' Step on a steam train Step out of the drivin' rain, maybe Run from the darkness in the night
[Verse 2] Sweet the sin Bitter the taste in my mouth I see seven towers But I only see one way out You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking Scream without raising your voice You know I took the poison from the poison stream Then I floated out of here
Affairs are like addiction...PEAs... fantasy...
Originally Posted by Zues126
We all live in our own realities, our own narratives, our own imaginations.
There are things that help keep those realities in check. A fixed external belief system that doesn't sway in the breeze of emotions. A good mix of friends that aren't afraid to call us on our bs. Self reflection and humility to know better than to trust ourselves too much.
I think WWs have an easy time getting hooked on fantasy. A fantasy is like a fire. One person starts the spark. Then the more people go along with it, the more fuel is on the fire. And when a WAW rewrites history or blames LBH, it's not hard to get support.
...
It's an addiction, and it's one of the toughest kinds because it isn't as tangible. It's not like heroin where it's pretty clear that if there is usage there's a problem. It's more like overeating, where it's blurry. We have to eat, but when is it an issue? So too with fantasy, there are blurry lines that make it easy for people to rationalize away. Of course, once they are shacking up with other people and walking out on their families it's a little more noticeable, but even then there is always a spin. "He's not the OM breaking up a marriage...I was being abused, my self was being destroyed, LBH was killing me, I was dying inside, OM was the support I needed to escape that trauma and preserve myself..." Oh, I didn't realize! You poor thing. Let me help you move your things into OM's apartment!
And so I am here. Feeling all the things you all understand. I feel like
Originally Posted by Mozza
As sandi2 said, past beliefs of the WW are no guide for her current behavior.
I'm upset that my W mentioned S when it was a done deal. I would have taken an ultimatum, a break, a deadline � anything telling me that she had reached her breaking point. She wrote me this email about feeling miserable, but it was in the heat of an argument and she had her share of blame in it, so I took her messages as part of this discussion. I realize now that I was blind, that it was more important than that. What would have opened my eyes, and did, was the S word. She never told me until her decision was made, in a haste.
as I had no idea of the amount of unhappiness that was under the surface. My W said to me this year - "I would go into the other room and cry. I never told you." "I never stomped my foot or thew a fit" "your heart was in the right place but you were too nice and logical, so I stopped trying to tell you" "my friends agreed with me about you but weren't sure about OM" "how long was I supposed to wait?"
I feel deceived. And for W to choose an EA and D as the solution? I feel like vows and commitment were supposed to take us over these difficulties.
Originally Posted by Zues126
The reason vows and commitment are so important to me is that they provide standards when our own standards might be suspect.
Kind of like laws, religious beliefs...they keep us in check and tell us the right way to behave when we feel like being destructive or selfish. We do what we believe is right as much of the time as we can.
Wedding vows are the same. "for worse, in sickness". All in the vows as FULL DISCLOSURE that things will be difficult. But that we are committing to remain true through that.
If the vows are just words then it becomes a matter of when we feel like leaving. To me that's not a marriage. That's a ride in the sunshine until it inevitably starts to rain.
I maintain that anyone that adds a "but" to the statement "I don't believe in divorce..." truly DOES believe in divorce. I do not.
The sad part and why this touched a nerve with me is that everyone is willing to make those vows, and there isn't a good way to tell who means them and who doesn't. It's unfair to those that mean them. It's like becoming friends with someone and saying "I promise I won't ever physically harm you if I'm angry" and them agreeing. But then they get angry and punch you in the face, and when you say "we agreed not to do that" they say "well, I didn't know I'd get THIS angry, if I'm this angry then I can hit you".
But now? Once a WW is there, it will be a long process out of it. No matter what the conclusion. Mine is steady on pressing through D.
Originally Posted by Cadet
Overall I think that if you look at the stages of grief that those need to be gone through by all parties.
So the one having the affair will need to grieve the loss of the affair partner, and if they then decide to try to reconcile they must grieve the loss of the marriage before they can reconcile.
So you have Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Withdrawal, Acceptance.
Neither partner can not avoid this, nor can you press any buttons, or have any magic fixes.
It seems she believes her feelings leave her no choice. Feelings and minimizing emotional pain seem to drive her behavior. Early on I asked her, "Would you have chosen this if not for OM?" She screwed up her face and slowly replied, "No, I thought I would just have to bear it and suffer [not being paid attention to]."
Why would you have to bear it? If it was important then STOMP YOUR FEET, or just all the looking into things that I have done this year. After knowing to look for them, I have found dozens of ways she could have reached me. And found many anti-patterns of ours in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" books.
And the real kicker for me? My Ds were not nearly as surprised as me. That has been crushing. How did I not see? Though they did not see the other side where she offered me private praise leading me to think we were OK at least.
[Verse 1: Braille] When it's a quarter past midnight And the grey skies fade to black The waves splash and set me off track So my vessel might crash or collapse When I'm attacked And start wrestling in my head with these bad Memories from my past I'm aware of my guilt, overwhelmed …… Yeah, no matter the weather I face, Lord you never forsake My fragile life is safe under your sovereign grace
[Verse 2: Odd Thomas] At some point every human looks right in the eyes of agony And through the tragedy asks himself how can this happen to me? You might be the type with enough insight to hold On for your dear life but slip because your grip is not as Tight as you might like You ain't immune to it, naw, and if You true to yourself then you ain't new to it …… All these sinking ships around me, He surrounds me and he Anchors me with his grace abounding
[Hook: Josh Garrels] Anchor of my soul, You sustain, You sustain When I'm in the storm, You remain, You remain
I guess I’m feeling melancholy again. Grief. Though I’m excited and a bit scared as I sit here in the motor vehicles office finishing this post … D17 and I are getting her learner driver permit. Gratitude.
(It is the oddest feeling to see my WW post on social media similar themes when she is the one with an EA and choosing D)
- Staying away from Obliteration while drinking "Liquid Death" flavored water. Teleworking and evaluating 35 technology proposals. -
[Chorus] Ashes circle the drain And now it’s all that’s left All that’s left of me Sink my teeth in the pain Watching the world go numb And I’m just one step From obliteration
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
