Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Doing things for ME. Or where have my wants gone?

I stopped by IKEA last week to try and find some bits and pieces and for some inexpensive lamps for my home. I picked out a TOKABO Table for D18 (mushroom look too cute with her style), a SOLBO Table lamp for D17 (she loves owls), and a TVARFOT Table lamp for S12 (matching his bedside). Then for me I grabbed a BARLAST Table lamp at 1/4 the price of theirs (cheapest of the cheap), after all, it will work and I sacrifice for them right?

Hmmm. I thought about it. No. That actually wasn’t what I wanted at all. I had just dismissed myself and my wants. I wanted the cool steampunk looking bedside lamp that could dim to an orange flame like glow. The TARNABY Table lamp. So I got both. The TARNABY looks great at my bedside and dimming it way down before bed makes me feel comfortable. I am happier. I have been putting ME aside for a very long time. This may be small, but recognizing my own wants/needs and articulating or doing something about it … has been missing.


Disconnects - journaled/vented here to have them NOT stick in my mind.
in the last few weeks (keep in mind she is smart and has commanded military units).

W: Are we doing the final mediation reschedule with or without attorneys?

She is driving this train. Why is she asking me to control the process?


W: Taking D18 to female motorcycle event on her birthday, if that’s okay. It’s a three hour drive to and from. All comers welcome.

Why are you asking my permission? She is her own adult now and makes her own decisions, though she lives with me and D17 and S12.


W: Did you cancel insurance on my van? ‘Cause that would make sense.

G: No.

I didn’t say - because dummy, I’m still liable as we are married and I want a vehicle for which I am paying the loan on to be protected.


W: Also, I’m not on your workplace health insurance anymore right?

G: No, you are still on the family coverage.

I didn’t say - because dummy, we currently MARRIED and don’t have a settlement and I’d be liable in any court anyway. You’d have no other protection right now. Don’t you know how any of this works?


W via text message: Kids, sorry I couldn't come by to see you today. I had to do laundry and chores. And I have class tonight. I'll be there tomorrow to give hugs.

Laundry and dishes for one person take the entire day?


Last night -
W: Goodnight kids, this is a short goodnight. I HAVE to go get my schoolwork done so I can spend more time with you tomorrow while your dad is away on business for a couple days.

The school work is for an optional 2nd Masters degree in a non-income producing subject. I checked the house cameras today to keep tabs on D17 and S12 while I am gone. (Cameras - With zero expectations of W, I wanted to be able to remotely check on kids who are without adults present a lot now.) She spent ~ 1 hr there today in short touch and go visits until just before bedtime tonight.

g