Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

It's even hard for me to type this out and express my feelings in words.

I often end up thinking in metaphors, song or poetry since there are not words. I used to sing this to W.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You’ll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

I thought of her as this little nuclear furnace in the core of my being that would always be there through the toughest times. After W surprised me with her "in love with OM," and DB, and "Oh, I was a WAW anyway but I thought I just had to suffer before I met OM," that warmth imploded into a black hole in the core of my being. It threatened to consume me. Either I grow faster than it can destroy me or I die.

It has been a desperate struggle to grow ever since. I think I have the black hole contained now. The work however, goes on. PIES. Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual. I acknowledge my issues since each was kind of stagnant before DB.

The irony is the following verses might well have been predictive.

I’ll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another
You’ll regret it all someday

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you’ve left me and love another
You have shattered all my dreams

I had many dreams, although W accused me of not having a future vision. To me, all of the various dreams were of value because she was there in them. Perhaps this was too ambiguous to be attractive. Creating new ones is a slow ongoing process now. Who am I? Where to I want to be?

Also predictive, although I did not see it for what it was at the time, were our wedding vows. Mine had an element of "choosing her" for I felt my emotions were insufficient to carry me through to the end. Hers had the element of "because I love" (because I'm in love). I found out later that mine bothered her and she felt less loved. I saw hers and wondered how that was sustainable for a lifetime.

Now I see the her heavy weight put on the emotional element as a driving factor. In a gap where I did not sustain her emotions, she accepted OM's attentions to fill it.

Last year W said, "I'm sorry you were hurt in all this, you've never been heartbroken before have you?" A non-apology and to me a minimization. Divorce after 25 years side by side through all is so much more to me. It is breakage and chaos down to your very identity. What you know and feel as a result, well...I don't have the words, but maybe

Grief and Gratitude, both -

[Verse 1]
If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
If I didn't know what it cuts like to be rejected
Then I wouldn't know the joy of coming home

[Chorus]
Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding on to me
Maybe it's alright if I'm not alright
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

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