Just about done

[grok]

Sorry for repetitive posts, just trying to get out all the inner turmoil.

We all need a place. Here people understand from personal experience. Journaling or to yourself isn't enough. Who in our close circles could we lay all this on?

So today we had a long 1.5 hr mediator session putting together all of our financial disclosures. It's pretty much wrapped up with just pension valuations to come in then we can finally get a concrete agreement to send to lawyers.

After each mediator session, I felt like throwing up. Each concrete step she drove toward finalizing is crushing. Oh, I can remain calm, cool, and collected during. We both have the ability to do what needs to be done in a crisis and feel later. Both by nature and military officer training and experience. After each I needed several days to regain equilibrium.

It really hit me like a ton of bricks
Nothing pulls at your heart more than knowing almost a quarter of a century of your life with someone is coming to an end. Acceptance being the most difficult part of this process, but also an understanding that I cannot put myself through any more pain, any hopes that might have been present before have suddenly vanish and an overwhelming sadness has taken over. It's even hard for me to type this out and express my feelings in words.

There aren't really words. Just questions that won't really be answered. This makes it hard to accept. We like answered questions. Why do so many decide to toss 20+ years of foundation? Why do they not see repairing and building on that foundation is the right and good option? Do they not see the grass is not greener? As a Marine friend put it to me, "G, whenever I have trouble with my wife, I see it is a "choose your hard" ." He saw his parents go through 3 and 4 marriages which did not make them happier. And if you are a Christian like me and my WW, how is this OK when marriage is a covenant of God's? I have difficulty letting go of these questions. Even though I know the questions don't make any difference in what I need to do. These questions are all about the other person. Who am I and what do I want, sans W, is the focus now. The other questions are pain so draw me in, but I think cheeseless tunnels.

g