Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

D,

When she comes at you with tears and anger, she’s not looking for advice or for her problems to be solved. She’s looking to be heard is all. She just wants to vent. Also, she looking for you to fight back. For a resupply of her justification.

Good job remaining calm.

It actually would be a 180 for me not to be calm, but I don't think that would be helpful. I had two thoughts in mind as she listed unhappy and hurt feelings. First, I forget what thread I recently found this in, was inserting "I FEEL" before her words and "RIGHT NOW" at the end. Second, the thought in Mars v Venus books that she needs to express all her negative feelings to sort through them. They are not meant to be taken as literal permanent positions. So, I listened and tried to hear what was behind. She wanted to be heard, understood, and not dismissed as irrational.

W: "This is NOT HORMONES! I CAN think and feel at the same time."
G: "Yes. I agree and believe you."

This is in line with another Mars v Venus concepts where women process emotion and thought simultaneously while men have to context switch back and forth. This makes men much slower when both have to be done on a topic.

My W is one of the most emotionally sensitive women I've ever met. In her words, "Most people can see ~30% of what others feel. I can see ~70%." I used to refer to her as a magnifying glass. To her, all the emotional pressure all around felt important when it often wasn't. It was just magnified. She is also one of the most introspective. We almost never argued, and I rarely expressed any unhappiness. Any disappointment / recriminations from me, filtered through emotional sensitivity, and processed by extreme introspection would feel crushing to her. She would accuse and beat herself up before I would think to address an issue. So, I almost never did and so removed a needed feedback loop in our R.

Do not answer her. Let her stew. She fired you as husband. You are days away from finalizing a separation agreement, let her feel that, let her lay in the bed she’s made. Do not solve this for her.

I did not answer. I kept remembering advice to wait on replies. Things may resolve. Be sure what you reply serves your goal.

Grief when it impacts the children.
S12: "Mom, mom! Is something wrong?! What's going on?! Are you OK?!"
W: "No! I can't!"
Door bangs.
G: "S12, it's OK. This is something betweek your mother and I. YOU are OK."
S12: "OK Dad. Is it only an hour before we go to my <scout like organization>?"

In original limerance W made for statements like "The kids will be fine. Kids are resilient. It's just a differt form of family. My friend Ms. T's kids were wonky for a bit when she left her H but they are fine now." Wonky for a bit? One of Ms. T's teenage daughters took to repetitively walking the neighborhoods alone at 2am for 10 miles listening to church sermons and looked anorexic.

Later on that evening
S12 and I went to his troop meeting and worked on trail skills. I talked with two men I made friends with since this began. They have sons S12's age. Made tentative plans to do something with one on Sat. I showed him my church mens group planned a skeet shoot. Or perhaps we will bike ride with the kids. When I got home I noticed her vehicle present. S12 went inside while I started taking in trash cans from streetside. W came right out to me before I could finish.

W: "G, I'm sorry about my outburst earlier. I... I was afraid. When trust is broken ... we have to re-establish something. When you don't know anymore how another person will act/react. Because we've never been in something like this. I was scared...I would lose the kids. Because of my living situation."
G: pause. how to validate feelings... "That would feel very scary."
W: "Yes!"

There lay the reason behind the reason (loss of control). I said nothing else. I could almost hear the fulfillment of the concept in "Never Split the Difference" of getting a "Thats right!" from someone when they feel you understand where they are coming from. It worked, though I wonder if I did right.

W: Imediately walking away toward the back yard, "I have to go back in and help D17 feed the her new baby bird. D17 told me I have to go through the back door so the dogs don't bark." She is avoiding forms of D17's disaproval/emotional pressure.
G: I go through the front door with no dogs barking.

g