Wife in crisis

[DnJ]

Good Morning Lb

I have been struggling yesterday and today. The totally illogical choices that she has made even before she announced the end of our relationship just do not make any sense at all.

Her reasons are couched in emotions. So, not so much totally illogical as in not made purposefully illogical, just emotionally based is all. And yes, such a path does not have as a firm grip upon logic and reason and rationale.

I am still observing if my going more distant will have any effect.

Let go the rope, or be dragged. When you are watching for an effect, it shows. W will sense that. And she will perceive pressure. Be the grey rock. Kind, cordial, detached. Focus on you.

I am staying well clear of speaking about the relationship and not engaging much with her overall (maybe need to work a bit on not being too "distant", hard to get the balance right).

Time and space. And lots of it.

The one constant at the moment is that she is done with me and does not want to try to reconnect (she told me over dinner in January that she thought we could try and build a bridge, but was not even sure if we were at the same river; and around 4 weeks back told me that she has no interest in trying to reconnect).

Give her what she wants. As illogical as she/that may be. She needs it. She needs her space and time to sort her stuff out. And she will take it otherwise. Pressure will drive her right out the door. Give time and space. Let her choke on it. Let her own her choices.

I am planning going away with friends over my birthday weekend next month, and trying to fit in little things that I do for myself without the kids.

Good.

Separation for us just does not work economically and logistically - shared childcare does not work for me given my job, and she has no income. Her parents would go nuts if they found out and not accept this at all (she has not told them anything, which makes for an odd dynamic with me being there a lot with the kids and not her).

None of this matters to her. Depression and pain is driving her. Remember, not logical, just emotional.

My XW threw her kids away. She literally stepped over them, Even straight armed blocked them when they tried to get a hug as she was leaving. Economically, logistically, rationally - doesn’t matter one iota to them.

Someone so consumed by “their” pain and torment, has no bandwidth or empathy for anyone else. Your W’s path is diverging, has diverged, from your path. Maybe, in time, your two paths will converge again. The best you can do, walk your path. Be your best self. Live in the light, for you and the kids.

At some point, there will need to still be a rational conversation and she will need to make choices. However, when will this point be given the balance with pushing her away?

Any sort of conversation like that will push her away. No relationship talks. Not for a good long while. Even if she starts it, be super wary and steer clear of engaging too much, or at all. Just acknowledgment and validation of her feelings. If she brings them up.

The point for such rational conversation is a long ways off right now.

Secondly, I have been reading more about attraction and there appears to be contradicting guidance. There is the distancing / detachment, and then there is trying to "softly" reconnect by working on communication, doing fun things together etc. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

You can attempt anything you like. And if the results are less than positive. If she blows up. Stop! Immediately! And do not attempt that again for a long long while.

You have already attempted several things by this point. Some begging, pleading, trying to reason with her, show her errors, justify why not to do what she is doing, and so on. None of it worked. None of it fixed her or the situation. Because…

You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

You can only control you. Keep your side of the street clean. Be kind and cordial. Look after you and the kids. How and what and why you do and live your life matters. And might influence W along her path. The amount and success of such influence is unknowable. Yet, that doesn’t change that you should still do it. For your path is for you.

And it gives you the best chance at reconciling.

Until she feels the loss, until she turns from her path of not wanting to reconnect, your direct efforts just push her faster away. It’s very counterintuitive.

The harder you try to hold on, the more you lose. It’s most surprising what you’ll gain when you let go.

She did speak to me a fair bit today to get my advice regarding a friend whom she is struggling with, and about getting a coach to help her in setting up her own business. She needs money for this and I have been supportive as I do want her to be able to get to an independent position where she can take care of herself. I am a bit confused on the balance between being a friend and establishing some level of consequence for being "sacked".

Be careful.

Acknowledge and validate. Only.

Let her feel her choices.

She fired you from position of husband. She chose to remove you as her emotional support person. Let her feel that.

I get it. I empathize. That feels and sounds mean or cruel. It’s not! It truly is not. She needs to lay in the bed she’s made. She needs to figure herself out.

On that note, it’s not up to you to establish her consequences either. Fate, karma, the universe will look after it. You just live your life. Look after you.

Do not be a doormat. Establish and enforce boundaries for disrespectful behaviour.

You know, and stated/vented about, her illogical choices and behaviours. She’s ping ponging about from one idea/plan to the next, all trying to feel better. Give her a day/week (heck, sometimes even an hour) and she’ll be off to something new. As an example:

- She is making some longer-term around the house and even the family potentially moving

She’s all over the place. Longer-term and considering moving. Seems incongruent.

She looking for her magic bullet or quick fix. Until she looks inward, there will be no forward movement. (Of course, that applies to all of us. )

I’d be cautious investing into any scheme, or setting up a business of her’s right now. Consistent demonstrated behaviour tells the tale. Believe nothing she says, and only half of what she does.

Have a great day.

D