Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Cool user name by the way.

I loved the car washing story. Such times are long remembered.

I’ve no pollen here yet. Everything is still under a blanket of melting snow.

“How do you feel W, now that you have your own space?” “It’s wonderful because I don’t have everyone demanding something from me. Whenever the kids demand anything, I feel like I have to drop everything of mine and do it for them. It’s time for me and I can finally get some things done like my second masters degree and the craft business I want to start up.”

Asking W about her feelings is not that helpful. Sure, it gives you a window into her current mindset. For that moment in time. And perhaps it assuages some doubts as it allows you to see and understand her path a bit.

However, she answered like one would suspect she would. And that, reinforces her position within herself. She is already surrounding herself with people who reinforce and encourage her viewpoint, don’t add yourself to that entourage.

Yes, validate her feelings if/when those times come up and it is appropriate. That’s validating her feelings not the situation.

She needs time and space. She needs to feel something other than her euphoric high about her shinny new life. Loss, shame, regret, guilt, etc. Time and space can give her the chance for such emotions to bubble up to her surface. Emotions that are more helpful to your goal.

The draft separation proposal sounds reasonable. Given the kids ages, they do have a say in where and whom they live with. It sounds like they would agree as well.

W’s future plans of acquiring some property and building a house sound less reasonable. Also, you don’t want to get tangled up in such a venture. Ensure your financial liabilities are secured and limited before any such wild course occurs.

Usually there is a window when the leaving spouse is more generous in negotiating. A time when their emotions are running high and they are more “happy”. This reverts or disappears as more time passes. Just something to consider while thinking over the business side of your journey.

I felt very alone and afraid of telling people anything for a long time. Most of what I knew came from W telling me things in confidence in an odd sort of trust. Shall I tell others and have it circle around breaking this limited trust? Would the information be used by others in cruel or heavy handed ways causing further damage? Eventually I figured out how to tell people just the basic facts in a without coming across as … being out to cause W deliberate injury.

As a general rule, sticking to the basic facts is good. I totally get how alone and afraid you felt. And wondering how much you should you let that cat out of the bag.

Some advice: Never demonize W.

Demonizing W will alter you. It also will affect your kids. Your kids are half W. Half their genetic make up comes from their Mom. They know this. Any demonizing or such will be reflected / absorbed by them. Believe me, they already have many question of if they are destine for a similar fate as Mom.

It’s perfectly ok, and needed, to discuss the situation with the kids. Answer their questions openly and honestly - age appropriate of course. And some topics can be, are, none of their business. Which is still an answer.

I'm an analytical type. It has been very hard for me to stop reading all the clues, release hope, let go of expectations, and live in the present. I have all the typical male “fix it” and from work I have “solve complex technical problems” instincts.

I hear you man.

Consider solution vs resolution. Solving vs resolving.

Lots of problems situations - wording choice here. Like can, will, cannot, won’t, try, do, our mind is always listening and will craft one’s reality as one asks it to. For example, cannot means impossible. And very few things are truly impossible. I, DnJ, cannot get pregnant is one of those impossibilities. However, most stuff is will not or won’t, not can’t.

So saying problem defines and crafts things/situations into problems. This is our usual default to see life’s challenges as problems and we engage our problem solving abilities and mind. “Problem” is, haha, Saturday day humour. Thing is, life’s challenges can be opportunities when we don’t predefine or pigeonhole them as problems.

Resolving a challenge is different than solving a problem. Some problems do not have solutions. Yet everything can have a resolution.

This week’s oddities are not solvable. You wisely have realized this. It’s a matter of control, for the oddities lay with W. You control only how you will respond.

What sort of blended home is this? She is training a dog she likes but rarely takes care of and lives only with me? How much of this am I OK with?

Good questions.

These behaviours of her’s do illustrate her internal struggles. However, you may want to consider saying no to some stuff.

Dog training is basically training the owner. Bonding dog and owner. As dog doesn’t live with her, such training will have less benefit. I’d likely say such duality of mastership will confuse said dog, depending on how seriously W takes it.

The removing of appliances and supplies is more troubling in my opinion. She moved out, without a signed legally binding separation agreement, let her furnish her new digs (more or less). Not being mean here, rather you and the kids need stuff.

When my W left she utilized my house and pantry as a shopping mart for a while. Eventually I said this is my and the kids house, not a grocery store. She stopped after that.

It’s difficult to know how to proceed when situations are first going along. Treat W as a roommate. Or as a friend as she doesn’t live there. Of course, she not a friend as your friends don’t treat you that way. Point is, you’d likely not let a roommate or friend do what W is presently doing.

So how much of this are you ok with? Likely far less than you realize. Or you’d not be bringing it up. Right?

You don’t have to solve this, just resolve it. And that opens up a lot more possibilities.


W: G, I found a free! dog training class a 45 minutes drive away (an hour for her). Do you mind if I take large dog on Saturday mornings? His barking is bothering D17 and S12.

g: Oh, I didn’t realize. I’ll speak with them. And I’ll look into the barking.


Training is an option. As well as anti-bark collars, more exercise, etc. Ensure you give yourself ample time before responding to W or her requests.


W: Hey G, I’m going to take the KitchenAid machine attachments that you and D18 don’t use. I’ll take the grain grinding attachment and to the 50lb sacks of wheat and corn, etc… if you aren’t opposed.

g: Actually, I want to keep the machine and its attachments. Are you looking to get one for yourself?


That being said, don’t sweat over a few pots and pans. Yet, don’t let it all leave the house either without some acknowledgment or agreement. Precedence is being set. Best to do it well, IMHO.

“Hmmm, let me think about that and I’ll get back to you” is a perfectly acceptable immediate response for W’s sprung upon you, ideas of her’s.

Like detaching. 24-48 hours before responding to texts or emails to ensure your reply is not emotional and it’s what you’d like to say. Similarly, buy yourself some time when it’s in person.

Hope you have a great weekend.

D