H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[DnJ]

Good Morning Kanga

A pipe organ. Cool!

I’m glad you popped back in. I was wondering how things were going with you.

So a couple of months, starting around Christmas and New Year’s, of living together full time. Then, the second car is fixed, and back to the previous living arrangements. H decides to put his house on the market; which would indicate his is planning on you and he living together full time.

Somewhere during this, XW comes back into the picture. Even barging into your house, without asking, like she owns the place.

A couple of clarifying questions of residence ownership. (For now I’ll refer to H’s primary residence as H’s house, and similarly for you.) Are the two houses jointly owned by you and H? Or is H’s house joint between him and XW, or just his? Is your house solely owned by you?

Just wondering how convoluted the financial situation is. It sounds like you are not on H’s house and he has a mortgage. And he is stressed relating to his financial obligations. Any mortgage on your house, or do you own it outright?

XW’s barging in. No way! I’d be putting a stop to that behaviour!

I get how she has wormed her way, or whatever, to still come and go to the old family house. With his kids all moved out, her reasons for such are gone. Still, a weird arrangement H let go on far too long.

Your house. Your rules. XW stays away. Her popping up in H’s life all the time needs to be addressed and resolved before I’d let H move in. IMHO.

I don’t initiate anything with H as much as I did, although, I think this is creeping back to old behaviours for me given his behaviour at the moment. H does most of the calling when we are apart. I try to be upbeat, dress well. I don’t get involved with SIL about our problems and stay away from FIL and StepMIL. I don’t talk about XW at all.

Good. Get back to DB. And be firmly unwavering on your boundaries.

I agree with not involving the in-laws. H’s (and XW’s) behaviour has been going on long term. There are dynamics and unhealthy enabling that has, and is, occurring methinks.

I’m scared of becoming obsessed with H’s contact with his XW again because of his recent behaviour. I do not trust her one bit and I’m believing half of what he says.

Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does. Let H’s actions demonstrate his intentions and direction. And ensure long term consistent demonstrated behaviour before you two move in together.

Six months, or a year, of consistent behaviour. No XW interference. No weird wild suspected cake eating. H needs to earn your trust, by demonstrating his trustworthiness. By being open and honest. And if he and XW get together inappropriately, the clock resets. Rock solid consequences are needed my dear.

As I write, I just text H to say I appreciate him telling me his contact with her. I haven’t asked him about her since last year as he has been setting such amazing boundaries. H is a cake eater though and I’m wondering whether he is now cake eating with wanting to not sell his house and live over here and keep his old life which is tied up with her with his house?

Like I said, I somewhat get how/why H and XW were closer while the kids were younger and living in his house. That reason is no more, kids moved out. Their relationship should just be a coparenting relationship, and that is now more financial guidance and security net, than day to day involvement and putting food on the table.

The last 4 weeks, H has been irritable, distant and picking fights again. All the hallmarks of reconnecting with XW behind my back. As we speak, I’m just in the process of asking him if he is speaking to XW behind my back again as his behaviour changes purely for this reason. I haven’t seen H for 6 days. He picked a fight and drove home the next day from my place. I set a hefty boundary and he didn’t like it and fumed home. Funnily, he spoke with XW tonight, but tells me this is the first time in a long time. He assured me during counselling that he was going to be transparent.

Look to his actions. Not his words.

There is hope for our M because I saw it for 3 whole months and it was wonderful. Where to now? I would love some guidance from anyone who wishes to chime in again and give me some encouragement.

Yes, there is hope.

And yes, there was three months of apparent good times. Then something happened behind the scenes with H. And H reverted to irritable and looking to fight again. (Boundaries! Let H slam against them. He stay out of the house when he’s like that!)

H was good for three months. Now make it a year H, and I’ll consider us getting back together and living together. If such a thought / statement seems like H would balk, why? If he is recommitting to the marriage he should have no problem with it. After all, that would be exactly what he is supposedly after.

Be firm. Remain kind. Give H time and space. H has stuff to sort out it seems. He is still baking.

Go back to you and your life. Focus on you and playing that pipe organ.

Have a great weekend.

D