Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Thoughts on disconnects, oddities, and detachment

I'm an analytical type. It has been very hard for me to stop reading all the clues, release hope, let go of expectations, and live in the present. I have all the typical male “fix it” and from work I have “solve complex technical problems” instincts. I kept seeing all these discontinuities along the way of W’s mind and heart crisis and familiar patterns overlaid. I think it took six months to get to releasing expectations and really moving to detaching. The advice here against in home separations is right. I could not truly detach until her presence and internal disconnects were not in the same home with me every day.

Disconnect of the first six months when in the same home - When W was tired or caught up in what she was saying she would still refer to me as “honey.” I don’t think she ever noticed she was doing it. It is REALLY hard to detach when terms of endearment get thrown into conversations. How can my heart deal with or detach from this earnest familiar face I have been beside for half my life calling me “honey” and then telling me about her plans to leave?

This week’s oddity - We have three dogs. Two little ones and one large who is just about one year old now. Primarily I and D18 and D17 take care of them. When W is not too busy with work, classes, helping other people, or feeling sick, she will take the two little dogs overnights to her RV. The large dog is just growing out of being a puppy and still has a fair amount of energy. A few days ago when stopping by to pick up D17 for gymnastics she comes into the kitchen and says “G, I found a free! dog training class a 45 minutes drive away (an hour for her). Do you mind if I take large dog on Saturday mornings? His barking is bothering D17 and S12.” I just say “OK W, I have no issues with you taking him for training. I agree free is good!” She popped in today (Sat morning 9am and I didn’t know it was going to be today) as I’m making breakfast for me and kids, leashed the large dog, and went off to the training class. Contact with kids was a short “Hi D17, Love you S12” and off she went. S12 didn’t even look up from his computer game but just yelled “Love you more!” What sort of blended home is this? She is training a dog she likes but rarely takes care of and lives only with me? How much of this am I OK with?

Two weeks ago oddity - W has slowly been removing items from the home she is confident the kids and I will not want or use. “Hey G, I’m going to take the KitchenAid machine attachments that you and D18 don’t use. I’ll take the grain grinding attachment and to the 50lb sacks of wheat and corn, etc… if you aren’t opposed. That way we can be prepared and make bread and all kinds of stuff right through emergencies or supply breakdowns.” I just said “That is fine with me W.” Internally I’m asking who is “WE?” She distinctly said “WE will be prepared.”

I can get confused by these disconnects, have an impulse to try and figure out what they mean, and many months ago would have given me hope. I did read and have tried to internalize all the repeated advice on NOT reading into what she says and does. i.e. DON’T think any of this means she has decided or feels any diffently. I just note them as signs of internal issues and struggles she has and the journey she is on. One time early on I figured out through a course designed for men undergoing separations…. I told her directly “I understand through all this pain and destruction you are only trying to seek what you believe will make you happy.” She looked a little surprised and whispered, “Yes.”

g