Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

I’m glad you posted and are sharing your story. It is wonderful to hear that you’ve found the resources and fellow posters’ hard-earned wisdom soothing to heart, mind, and soul. And yes, you are not alone.

I’m not the type to ever physically self-harm, I now understand, to the core of my being, exactly why men suicide. Alternatively, for me it was a possibility there would just be a shell left on this earth with my name, but “I” wouldn’t be present in any real sense.

(((Hug)))

I hear you man. I’ve writhed in the abyss of depression and despair. I know first hand how it feels and how it seems like it will last forever. Yet, it really is temporary. Fleeting.

Strange to say fleeting, for I struggled in that crucible for months and months. However, looking back, that is how it now feels.

And yes, getting that close the precipice of ending things brings a - to one’s core understanding of certain things. Utilize that understanding. Pay it forward. Speak a kind word to a stranger. You never know what a completely life altering effect you may have on someone who is silently suffering in utter agony.

It’s the little things, the little moments - a kind word, a smile, a hug - I find are really misnamed. For they are the big moments in people’s lives. Much bigger, and longer remembered and cherished than what is often perceived and sought as grand.

Sharing some of one’s time is the most precious thing there is.

Though still, almost a year later, every day at random times it feels like a mountain fell on me. I can't breathe, can't see, can't think, my hands shake, I feel flattened to nothingness and tears fall ... and then the world starts again. Talking with my father and his experiences with hurt and failure - he described it as the world goes black and you can see no way out of the darkness. Then eventually you see bits of light that offer hope for the future.

Very nice to see your Dad sharing his wisdom.

Like a mountain falling and crushing is very apt.

A suggestion:

We all need to feel our grief. And you are. However, presently it strikes at random times throughout the day. Your feelings build and then release. You feel better for a while. Then repeat. Perfectly healthy and normal.

Now, the suggestion. Schedule this feeling and release.

Depending on how many times a day you experience this, schedule the appropriate number of sessions. For example.

In the morning, when you first get out of bed, you likely are doing pretty well. By the way, I hope you are getting a good night sleep. Well rested is super important. This scheduling helps with that too. So, after awakening a bit, set an alarm (yes use an alarm) for 5 or 10 minutes. Once you get proficient and experienced in this scheduled time, 5 minutes will likely be enough.

Anyhow, sit by yourself, and feel your loss. Cry, feel the pain and sorrow, let it wash over you. When the alarm goes off. Stop. Get up. And go about your day.

Schedule these sessions. You can then ensure you have convenient places and times (like an empty room or your car during coffee break) to feel and release the building emotions.

Taking such control over your actions influences your emotions. You experience them, and you slowly start to ween back the needed amount of time and number of times a day. Maybe it starts 5 minutes six times a day, then 5 minutes four times a day, then only morning and night, then three minutes. Eventually, you reach only one time needed, maybe just mornings. And then you’ll need no scheduled outlet. You can consciously defer to later as needed. (Just ensure you do allow yourself to feel later.)

Don’t fret over length of time or numbers of times. Find the balance that works for you. Then move forward towards the goal of zero times. We are all pretty much fixers, and it’s surprising how motivated and competent we actual are at solving things and reaching a set goal. Problem is, in our situations we try to solve things that are not within our control or power to solve. Yet, focus on you. Focus on something directly controllable. And it is amazing how quickly we do overcome.

Your W certainly sounds all over the place. And her descent is pretty wild. So, she’s currently living in her RV at a campground? Do the kids stay with her? What is your custody schedule?

I see your signature line states a draft settlement in March this year. What are the details (if you wish to share)? Did you utilize a lawyer? Ensure you always have a L look over anything before you sign.

W’s has burnt through a lot of cash it seems. $7000 on credit card, $3000 deposit, spent the $8000 her parents gifted her, and $20,000 of investments to purchase the RV.

[W:] No one is giving me dog walking jobs on Rover like they claim!

No job, no employment, and spending lots. Unfortunately, that is a pretty common script. Be cautious and watch your finances. I agree with your wise decision to get back her joint credit card and remove her from accounts.

W’s emotions will be cranked to eleven and she just has no bandwidth for you, the kids, or anyone or anything else. Toss in an OM and affair, and she has quite a pile of pain, regret, shame, guilt, to get through, along with her own inner work. Sorry g, an EA seldom remain just that. A PA is highly likely.

Affairs are a symptom of a deeper problem. The AP means nothing. They are a band-aid. Affairs are built upon lies and deceit, and require constant and enormous energies to maintain for they are build upon a horrible foundation - like building on sand. Very unstable.

W needs to feel the loss. Feel the consequences of her choices. And that’s a long road.

Focus on you and the kids. GAL. Give plenty of time and space. And you are right - no snooping.

Start new hobbies. Or pick up old one’s you had to put down due to the pressures of marriage and life.

I look forward to conversing with you.

Have a great day.

D