Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Thanks catman, DnJ,

I've tried journalling intermittently. Posting may be better. I have trouble getting time to write all the many thoughts running through me. By the time I write one down I have gone through five more threads internally. I often seem to think in terms of concepts, not necessarily words. To write things down, or talk for that matter, I must make an effort to translate meanings into words. Just like any translation, meaning and intent can be lost along the way.

I do have the typical male trait of not talking about things, I just think about them. This is also a personal trait as I can be very self-contained. When younger I did a fair amount of backpack camping. Some of these events had three-day solo time as part of the program. I was fine and felt three days solo to be peaceful. It seemed to drive most others crazy. I’m also in the process of rebuilding male friend networks I had lost and not maintained over the last years. A symptom of my own problems. When this kicked off I realized I did not have anyone to talk to about it.

In retrospect, this trait has not helped my M communications. Along with everything else this past year came a litany of complaints and previously unknown hurts from W. She cast it almost all on me, which I accepted at first. With some detachment comes more clarity. We met as new military officers. Training and experience gave us both the ability to push aside issues that don’t seem to matter in the moment and “get things done” anyway. Now we are paying the price for pushing things aside.

Gratitude for daughters yesterday –
It is oak tree pollen season here. My little truck and D18’s cars are coated in yellow. Yesterday after work – “hey D18, lets go wash our cars.” She starts sobbing while laying in bed “Daaad! I can’t! I’m sooooo tired! I have to nap now! DON’T start without ME!”

D18 has a job working before and after school care for 3 to 15 year olds. She is one who emotions just flow out of. I have learned a lot this year on how to accept and process these female expressions. This is a difficult space for me. I just pat her on her head and say “OK, not having a break after work FEELS hard I know, I’ll be back in a little bit.” Validation? She goes to sleep.

On to D17 who is laying on the couch watching reels and ask her to come help wash cars. “Daaaad! Do I have to?!” “No D17, but I would like your help and enjoy your company.” I go out and start and D17 joins me. “Give me the good brush, I want yours Dad.” “HA, looks like you got wet Dad, you should be more careful…LOL” Grumpy turns to laughs.

D18 comes out to wash her car. “Don’t you spray me or I WILL punch you!” “Give me the good brush Dad!” “Stop doing it for me, I WANT TO DO IT” But like D17, ends in laughs despite wanting to stay grumpy. They both end up scrubbing their white Crocs with car wash stuff while disputing who gets their feet sprayed first.

D18 and I go in to make Mexican rice together. She has been picking meal items for us to make together. Tastes great.

10:30p after W has come, said goodnights for 40 min to kids and left, I find D18 and D17 downstairs after lights out. “What are you two doing?” D18 is over tired and starts sobbing again. “I’m sorry and I want to go to bed but I didn’t eat enough and now I have to toast the bagels and find the cream cheese and still have to brush teeth and I’m sad and I’m tired and want to go to bed and I have to get up early again and ….” D17 rather than be her critical self says it’s OK we’ll help you and makes D18 laugh at something. Then mock criticizes her for laughing while she is momentarily depressed. This makes D18 laugh more and say stop it! S12 comes downstairs at the commotion. Rather than criticize, I just say S12 do you want to join us in making sad D18 laugh? I make D18 mint tea and shoo them upstairs to bed after rule breaking snacks are complete. Then visit with each one in bed as a new habit I am building to support them through this.

Grief reminders yesterday –
Kids don’t know all the things WW has told me over the last year. I’m not sure she even remembers saying them. Ringing in my head still is:

“It’s ok I won’t be in the home, they need their dad more now anyway. Because D18, D17 are older and S12 is a boy.”

“How do you feel W, now that you have your own space?” “It’s wonderful because I don’t have everyone demanding something from me. Whenever the kids demand anything, I feel like I have to drop everything of mine and do it for them. It’s time for me and I can finally get some things done like my second masters degree and the craft business I want to start up.”