H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

I’m back! I haven’t yet caught up on the last posts of DnJ and Sunflyer that I need to reply to and apologise to. I left the forum mid-October last year to step out into the world after doing some counselling with my husband and the local Pastor. Up until 4 weeks ago, things were looking up. The universe forced us together everyday for 8 weeks with only one car while our other car was getting prepared. We had the best time. We have never lived together longer than 2 weeks in the 9 years we have been together except while on holidays. We have always lived apart. For those (including Sunflyer) who missed my situation, H and I have always had seperate houses due to his children living with him full time. Eventually, they all moved out and I’m living 2.5Hrs helping run a Family business and he is working where he is. We always said we would move in together eventually. So here we were over Christmas and New Year into January living together and enjoying each other so much. I was surprised. We had no interference from XW and my husband (after our counselling sessions) didn’t encourage her and he didn’t reach out. It was a little stressful due to having to be in all places with one car. Overall it was the best fun. It made me really want to live with him.

And then, back to reality. The 2nd car was fixed and we went back to our old routine. H has decided to put his house on the market to move over with me. Due to Mortgage stress, he has put the house on the market before he really wanted to. We were hoping for Interest rates to improve before he would sell. It has been a grieving time for him. I have mixed feelings as I’ve been super excited about him doing it; yet will miss his place as well when it sells. XW stills barges into the house without asking. She did this recently as SD was visiting. H didn’t engage with her, except for hi and then came into bedroom where I was hiding out as last time, I told XW very politely not to do that again. She was stirring for it obviously, but new both didn’t take the bait. H has told her many times not to come in, she just ignores him. Back to his house… It was the Family home that he built with XW, so of course I would like a fresh start.

The last 4 weeks, H has been irritable, distant and picking fights again. All the hallmarks of reconnecting with XW behind my back. As we speak, I’m just in the process of asking him if he is speaking to XW behind my back again as his behaviour changes purely for this reason. I haven’t seen H for 6 days. He picked a fight and drove home the next day from my place. I set a hefty boundary and he didn’t like it and fumed home. Funnily, he spoke with XW tonight, but tells me this is the first time in a long time. He assured me during counselling that he was going to be transparent.

I actually don’t quite believe him, because of his disconnected behaviour towards me. I did thank him for telling me what he told me. I make out I believe what he says.

I’m a real mess tonight and I can’t believe, I’ve lost myself in H’s baffling behaviour again. I’ve tried to stick to some of my principles from Divorce Busting. I’m so new that any information I retained earlier has just slipped like sand through my fingers. I got swept up in the fun of my marriage for a few months. I’ve lost my husband again though. It’s so painful. This week I have been going dark and not entering into any arguments. I have replied to 2 texts and haven’t initiated contact nor pursued. When I did respond to his texts, I spent much time, being extremely careful on what I was saying as not to antagonise; yet be truthful without saying it mean. I haven’t pursued him to organise anything with him over the next 4 days. We normally do 4 days a week together. I’ve decided to stand in my marriage and GAL, although I haven’t been that great at it lately. This week, I have been concentrating on doing this and I went back to Karate, DJing on hold. I’m now paying the Pipe Organ and having lots of fun with that.

Even though I stepped away for a few months, I did take away a few things with me. I don’t initiate anything with H as much as I did, although, I think this is creeping back to old behaviours for me given his behaviour at the moment. H does most of the calling when we are apart. I try to be upbeat, dress well. I don’t get involved with SIL about our problems and stay away from FIL and StepMIL. I don’t talk about XW at all. I do have a super Prayer life thanks to Divorce Busting. I was putting H as my Higher Power and not knowing it. How my day went was according to what he was doing. This is slowly creeping back into my life. I’m scared of becoming obsessed with H’s contact with his XW again because of his recent behaviour. I do not trust her one bit and I’m believing half of what he says. As I write, I just text H to say I appreciate him telling me his contact with her. I haven’t asked him about her since last year as he has been setting such amazing boundaries. H is a cake eater though and I’m wondering whether he is now cake eating with wanting to not sell his house and live over here and keep his old life which is tied up with her with his house? I’m sorry to all those who have been following. I left abruptly and didn’t answer to DnJ and Sunflyer. I suspect this happens all the time with Newcomers. I’m glad to be posting again and hoping somehow that what I write will help someone else. There is hope for our M because I saw it for 3 whole months and it was wonderful. Where to now? I would love some guidance from anyone who wishes to chime in again and give me some encouragement. Will reply to DnJ and Sunflyer tomorrow. Many blessings to you all. Kanga 😊