Thanks, Boat. You hit the nail on the head in terms of what I worry about doing and don't intend to do. I'm trying to balance detachment and upholding boundaries for my well-being with the core ideas behind DBing related to exploring a potential shift towards R, piecing, etc. if this truly has the potential to move in that direction.
Likewise, thanks DnJ. I did just as you suggested and let W decide and she chose to join us. I agree that this feels different than a temperature check. As a reminder, W has social anxiety issues and accompanying issues can include avoidance, difficulty making decisions, and more challenges. We also are slated for mediation soon and our Ls have suggested that our next court date in early summer could be an official D date if we have a settlement together by then. So, I wonder what counseling/therapy can achieve in this short timeframe. I feel some concern that revisiting W's marital concerns could make the situation worse in terms of firing W up as we head into trying to settle.
When we went through this ~5 years ago, our counselor at the time told me several things at my last visit:
1) W indicated that I'd become the "perfect husband" 2) Our marriage would struggle to move forward until W dealt with past trauma 3) Most women that come into her (the counselor's office) "would kill to have a partner like you (me)".
I'm still a work in progress and am far from perfect. It's hard not to wonder if both D13 and I may be better off if the D moves forward given the lack of substantial effort on W's part. I appreciate that she *may* be doing the best she can. I just feel some mental exhaustion trying to juggle both the near-term, impending potential of a D with putting more effort back into what may become an initial repair attempt.
Phew. Feels good to just type that out. In any event, I do plan to validate her feelings and to try to gently maintain accountability for selecting a new therapist.
Again, much appreciated Boat and D, as well as those just reading along. I hope you get some benefit from my sharing my situation.
