so really tuff day today. we did a lot of packing this last weekend mainly my daughters room that she was sharing with my step daughter. everyone was sad except of course my wife she was more annoyed and icy cold to everyone. even her own kids. i have been searching for a room to rent and i have some leads and ive turned down some rooms because it wasn't a good fit for me and my daughter. one room fell through that would have been perfect. really nice lady but she is having health problems.
im only going to need to rent a room for at most 3 months or less. my settlement will be in by then and im going to be able to get a 2 bedroom apartment. it was a tuff day because im still grieving the divorce and im back at the depression stage. last week i was back on the bargaining stage wishing my wife would change her mind then i got a wake up call over the weekend seeing how cold and nasty she can be and it reminded me of why i havent been happy the last year.
i talked with my councilor on monday and we discussed how unsentimental she is. i can understand her not wanting pictures of us together but its like she wants no memory of us at all. how can you be with someone for over 5 yrs and not feel any sort of loss or sadness. i dont want to be with the person she is right now but i still love and will miss the person i fell in love with and married. if i could show how many cards and letters she wrote me over the 5 years up to 2 months before she said she was divorcing me it would be a small book of how i was her rock and how much love she had for me. how does that just disappear?
I was very depressed today looking at rooms for rent and the feeling of how alone i will be again. its like she cant wait to get rid of me and out of the house. i dont really want to be here either because it reminds me of all that im losing. but im not nasty about it she has been on a warpath since the weekend treating everyone in her wake with contempt even her kids and even her golden child. she seems so miserable. she acts like she has been done so dirty by me and its the complete opposite. I never abused her in any way i treated her fairly and like my equal. i never cheated on her or ignored her needs. i stood by her depressive episodes and supported her ideas. my faults were being to clingy and making her my life. i thought i was being a good husband by putting my marriage first. in reality it was our dysfunctional love attachment styles that was the issue. if she wasnt being so dismissive/ avoidant i wouldnt have been so clingy trying to figure out what was wrong. she hardly would communicate her feelings so i had to fill in the blanks which isnt healthy. she also claimed i isolated her because of jealousy. thats not a fact i never had a problem with her hanging out with her friends. i was jealous over the amount of quality time she gave one of her male friends. she would go out to dinner with him he would pay and then they would hang out listening to music in her or his car for like 6 hrs they bonded over the same music taste. my complaint was i hardly ever got that much time with her. i never told her she couldnt hang out with him. i only wanted to have some good quality time with her.
she quit hanging out with him as much and blamed me because she didnt want to hear me complain. all i asked for was a good date night where we could hangout together and bond over dinner or good conversation. her idea of quality time was to share space as we watched a tv show or movie which most of the time i didnt get a say in what we watched. on her dating profile she wrote that her first husband was a abusive narcissist who made her feel bad about herself and her second husband me put her on a pedestal and was smothering and isolated her out of jealousy. I felt like a toy that she kept on a shelf and only played with when she felt like it.
i should be the one pissed off. she blindsided me with divorce at the absolute worst time in my life. im on disability starting over with a new career and barely any money to live on. she also knew how depressed i was about being on disability and starting over before she blindsided me. she also lied for who knows how long about her feelings and promised me she would never do that. bottom line is she is a very selfish cruel person.
anyways i know im rambling now. counseling has showed me that yes i do have issues with trusting people and my unhealed childhood trauma has caused me to be to clingy when things arent going perfect. my father was very distant and gave me a lot of abandonment issues and feeling like its all my fault which causes a anxious / preoccupied love attachment but the problem is i keep attracting distant and emotionally unavailable partners and that triggers my issues because they dont communicate. i dont know how many times i told my wife that all she had to do when shes in a bad mood to diffuse my triggers is talk to me and communicate if shes having a bad day unrelated to me just tell me or if ive done something how can we resolve it. or communicate that she needs time and follow through with coming to me when shes ready and not sweep it under the rug.
I keep swinging back and forth from hopelessness about my future to feeling like i will meet someone right for me and get a new career and be able to live.
the other thing i dont understand is she was so pushy on getting the divorce papers signed and ready to go but now they are and she has yet to file them. what is she waiting for?
