Thanks for this MrP. All of your comments roll up to one central problem: I stopped DB'ing during the last few weeks. Even though I have decided to pursue D, I still intend to continue 180s (for me), GAL (for me) and detach (for me). I stopped doing those things and fell back into old and unproductive ways of interacting with W. I was focused on what W did, how it affected our family, and that there should be some kind of evening of the scales. I wasn't consciously thinking this but it's obvious now that it was guiding my thinking.
For clarity, I am using a L. I first engaged with him in Spring/Summer 2023 when I could tell something was very amiss, and have since put him on retainer and completed all ppwk necessary to file. His finger is on the trigger waiting for me to say "pull". W and I are engaging with a mediator at her request so that this individual can weigh in on how to manage the asset split and have my W stay in the house. I know our finances and I understand that we cannot come up with an equitable split that keeps one party in the house without outside money (i.e. her dad). My goal in using the mediator is to get a neutral third party to say "you cannot keep W in the house without outside money coming in, and if outside money does come in the most fair way to do this is X". My base case remains that we sell the house and split the proceeds.
Originally Posted by MrP
I fight the urge to run up to my moral high ground and lecture my W about how she's contributed to how we got here.
I struggle with this too. It's caused me to wonder where I am in the stages of grief: if I can't sit down with W without slinging mud at her over her actions, it seems to me I have some anger still. I don't want to be angry.
