50 years is quite a milestone! I hope you have a wonderful celebration.
Originally Posted by MrP
my bday is approaching and it is a "milestone". W continues to ask me what I want to do. I've deflected the initial two requests. Today, W asked if I wanted even wanted her to attend.
It likely wouldn’t hurt your situation to speak with her about your upcoming birthday and the day’s itinerary. Yes, deflect conversations so not to get embroiled in an argument or some such. However, that deflecting is more to buy yourself time to get emotionally settled and organized and therefore to better speak rationally. It’s not to deflect indefinitely. Direct question, give her direct answer.
“Oh I plan to hang out with family (specify by name Mom, Dad, kids, etc) and friends (names again). Nothing carved in stone yet. Maybe we’ll go bowling. Would you be interested in joining in?”
Time and space. No pressure. And invite them to some family events with no expectation of their attendance or not.
Can you handle such a day? Having W attend? I suspect you can. So respond, and invite her, and let her do the heavy lifting by agreeing or not agreeing to attend.
It’s subtle, you don’t decide for her. Which is what she trying to get you to do. Let her own her choice.
You will enjoy your birthday either way. You are healed pretty well methinks. If you were not, I’d suggest differently.
Originally Posted by MrP
W has punted back to me to pick either a new marital counselor or an individual counselor for her. I've yet to respond. Seems like I should respectfully reply that these tasks seem best left to her.
I think this is another conversation to be had. Validate her apparent hesitancy to choose or find counsellors. And “kindly” hold her accountable.
You’ve mentioned, and it seems like, W’s confidence in her path is wavering. Those whispers of doubt speaking in her ear.
A big thing, they test the LBS to see if they can be, could be, accepted and forgiven. This is also them seeing if they themselves can forgive themself. Hence, the apparent hesitancy or fence sitting or delaying by her. Other feelings are stirring within her.
W’s interest in your birthday, her pushing the D and its process more onto you, seem to be a “test” of sorts. It’s different than a baiting emotional temp check. Remember, look to her actions, not so much her words. Remain kind and cordial, focusing on you and kids, moving forward, and allowing her to catch up. That last one takes some purposeful effort - allowing her to catch up. Not placing boulders in her path, and not paving it either.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I hope you have a wonderful celebration.
