Hey M. Wow that is a lot to deal with. I find the "quote" functionality exhausting here so I'm going old school and manually quote things you say above that I'd like to offer feedback about.
First, it sounds like you're trying to do this without a L. I thought about the same thing. It also sounds that you, like me, are doing fairly well from a career perspective. I thought "I'm smart enough to figure this out. Why pay $X per hour for a L?" Ultimately a mentor and close friend told me that, especially when you have children, this is not a place to "do it yourself". In this situation, we have lots of feelings tugging at us, in addition to our day jobs, parenthood, and other roles we play. Playing a part-time lawyer can do more harm than good and that is a risk I was unwilling to take with my D13 at stake. I agree with another poster who recommends securing a lawyer, even if only an adequate one who can keep the D train running on time and on the rails.
In my state and county, our judge expects us to have either reached a settlment or to have met with a mediator by X date. The court is so clogged up with activity, they don't want "routine" Ds taking longer than one year so there is a hard date by which most Ds should be done at worst. I wonder if, even if you choose to continue going it alone, you might leverage similar expecations from your state and county court. W will have little wiggle room on those dates and a good L with advise her accordingly. Now, you said the following in your post:
"She came up with all kinds of excuses about how she had other stuff to do, didn't want to drive all the way to the mediator's office, was too tired to talk about it, etc. This is where I let my emotions get the best of me - I didn't flip out or anything, but I became exasperated and it showed. I asked her what could be more important that dealing with this, told her the kids deserved to know and we hadn't made any progress in moving forward, pointed out that she had time to go out and drink all day Saturday so why didn't she have time to address other life stuff over the weekend, etc. She wants to keep the house so I asked her to provide me with a proposal to do that, and she hadn't. Where was her game plan? I was ready to move forward and instead things were stuck, and I wasn't going to accept that. In short I was pressuring and not emotionally detached from the conversation."
It sounds like you already recognize where this went awry. Based on something I read in DB or DR...or perhaps my DB coach told me the first time I went through this, before you say or do some of the things you did, ask yourself if it is likely to help or hurt the goal you're trying to achieve. To me, this likely drove your W to feel bad, ramp up to fight or defend herself, and not do anything to show you that you may be right. As Boat suggests, I sense you're still fondling the "rope" a bit here.
At this point, I'd recommend treating this more like a professional, business interaction if you don't want to leverage a L or your state/county legal process. What bargaining power do you have to incentivze W to cooperate otherwise?
Regarding your FIL, respectfully, he has no standing in this discussion (beyond what you choose to give him of course). I suppose if he can truly be "helpful" by all means leverage him. However, she will always be his daughter as you know. Again, I strongly believe a L is worth their hourly rate at this point. The path you're following, to me, seems to continue to enable your W to shirk accountability and responsibility. You and her father are managing around her, for here. I hope that makes sense. It also helps you avoid or minimize her opportunity to redirect things by saying things like you "need to get out more and let off some steam".
And, better yet, avoid or minimize her chance to say things like "so what, do you want to date?" For me, the response to that issue has been "Discussions about dating are immaterial for the foreseeable future; my priority is my children and completing the D process." Exit the conversation.
Remember, our goal is to be cordial and brief. Say the least that needs to be said to facilitate a productive conversation. Facts, not feelings. Easy, right? Absolutely not! You recognize that and where you're falling off the wagon so to speak. I fight the urge to run up to my moral high ground and lecture my W about how she's contributed to how we got here. I also know it won't help my cause in terms of trying to negotiation a reasonable settlement with the mother of my child (to whom I'll have some level of interaction with as long as both of us and D13 are alive). As the ever-wise DNJ suggests, forgiveness is for yourself.
Nobody has power over you unless you give it away. And, respectfully, you are giving W power (from my perspective) over you that I don't want to see you give away. The 180 to pull here is to shift to managing this relationship in a more clinical, business-like, and minimal way IMHO. Again, I say this with the best of intent to try and offer you a neutral opinion that I hope will be helpful to hear, whatever you choose to do. All my best in support of you, P.
