I had a conversation with W y'day that I'm not happy about, and I'm struggling to understand how I let it happen.
She was sitting on the couch after I had dropped D6 off at gymnastics and I asked for her availability to meet with mediator, who I had called earlier in the afternoon. The mediator's first opening was this Thursday and I told her that would be the best time for me, and that I wanted to get the ball rolling.
She came up with all kinds of excuses about how she had other stuff to do, didn't want to drive all the way to the mediator's office, was too tired to talk about it, etc. This is where I let my emotions get the best of me - I didn't flip out or anything, but I became exasperated and it showed. I asked her what could be more important that dealing with this, told her the kids deserved to know and we hadn't made any progress in moving forward, pointed out that she had time to go out and drink all day Saturday so why didn't she have time to address other life stuff over the weekend, etc. She wants to keep the house so I asked her to provide me with a proposal to do that, and she hadn't. Where was her game plan? I was ready to move forward and instead things were stuck, and I wasn't going to accept that. In short I was pressuring and not emotionally detached from the conversation.
Later my FIL came over and I addressed it w him directly, bc any game plan that leads to her staying in the house needs his involvement. We are mostly aligned about W's behavior being out of control and he empathized with me coming to a final decision to end the MR. After that conversation I had a more measured talk with W about the sitch and moving forward. She explained that she feels overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle things and we discussed the potential plan in a more measured way. She did tell me I need to get out more and let off some steam, which was a direct jab at the fact that I am not drinking at the moment. I am still actively GAL, just not partying. At one point she asked why I was so eager to get this going, and I told her I was tired of living like roommates and was not going to accept this life for myself any longer. She asked "so what, do you want to date?" and I said yes, I'm ready to move forward with my life in many ways. She said "go ahead and date", to which I responded "I am not going to date while still tied up in a marriage". And that was it.
Posting here because after weeks of staying grounded and centered, I came off it y'day. even after months of learning to accept the D, I still have days in which I am in disbelief, so I am sure W is dealing with that times ten still.
