Wife in crisis

[DnJ]

Good Morning Lb

No matter what I do, there are things where I am being pushed into living a life that I do not want to live.

Yep.

I too was pushing onto a path I did not choose. A life did not want to lead. Years later, looking back, I’d not give it up.

Have faith and trust the process.

I need to still get more out of the mindset of doing things / thinking of things that "fix" her as you put it. I have started detaching more, but this is something not natural to me as I am a kind person. However, I am getting around to the concept of doing things that seem unnatural to me.

Oh yes, it definitely is counterintuitive, is seemingly non-natural, and goes against our default behaviour. Most significant growth and lesson will do so.

Detachment is when your emotions are no longer uncontrollable dragged around by W’s behaviour, words, and/or actions. You still feel, just not dragged about. You regain control over self. Control is the big part of detachment.

The next step of this part of the journey is indifference. That comes after detachment, and is when your feelings towards W become muted or attenuated. You will feel numb, feel almost nothing towards her, about her, or for any of her actions, words, or behaviours.

This state of indifference is perfectly normal and part of the grief process. And, like all feelings, or the absence thereof, is temporary. Indifference will unwind. Your feelings do return.

I promote a caution for folks when they enter indifference: Nature abhors a vacuum, and other feelings, temptations, etc, will loom larger than they really are, when contrasted against the void. It is an illusion, things are not as they feel. Limit major life decisions based upon such fleeting feelings. Remember, this void is temporary, yet it will feel otherwise.

There is a strange peace, a welcomed peace, being clear from all that noise, cacophony, and confusion from W. While within this numbness, this reprieve from those associative emotions, lay an opportunity to discover you. Your deep beliefs, values, and convictions. Those tenets that make you tick. This is your best time to do your inner work.

Look inside and find you. Your beliefs, bias, prejudice, defaults, and such.

Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Discard and/or alter that which does not serve.

This cataloging, crafting, and organizing of self and your convictions pays huge dividends. This is one of the golden opportunities that comes from walking this most unwanted and non-chosen path. Most folks never get, or embrace, such an opportunity in their life. Making the most of this hand you’ve be dealt, is totally within your control.

I have started detaching more, but this is something not natural to me as I am a kind person.

A suggestion. Remove the word “but”.

Often this wee word, but, is utilized in justifications for us not doing something or delaying an action which we know we should take. “But” crafts an exception to the rule, a loophole for us. Another problem is, your mind is always listening and will craft your reality as you ask it to.

“But” conjoins two ideas - in this case detachment and your kindness. Such conjoining, crafts belief inside you, which means you believe you have to now be unkind to detach, which makes it much more difficult to achieve. Use a period instead.

I have started detaching more. I find detachment something not natural to me. It seems to go against me being a kind person.

Separate things. Can be dealt with separately.

- Good for you detaching more.

- Yes, detachment is something we have little experience with. Especially with an event so large and disruptive to our lives.

- Detachment, and indifference, come easier to those with a kind and compassionate heart. It is highly counterintuitive, like how it feels/seems unnatural, as you have not had reason to experience this at such a magnitude. There is a profound kindness and love in letting go.

I have been in the "letting go" mode.

Perfect.

How does that make you feel? Better or bitter? Kindness and compassion. Yes?

I am cordial but brief;

Why “but”?

I am cordial and brief.

You said “but” because of some feeling/belief inside you. Discover why and what that is.

[I] do not engage in extensive conversation; and validate her while not engaging her when she brings up our relationship or goes on a tangent about wanting to move out etc.

Keep it up.

Note. It’s validating her feelings, not her or her behaviour. You validate her feelings, without condoning her less than stellar choices.

How far should I go in detaching and not engaging her?

All the advice is first and foremost for you. It also gives you the best chance for your marriage.

So, the short answer is, detach and limit engaging with her, as much as you need.

I am looking to not be constantly available for her as I am no longer the supporting pillar that I have been. Where is a good balance in still speaking, as it is a bit odd sitting at the dinner table and not having a conversation.

W has fired, or mostly fired you as her emotional support pillar. Let her feel that. She needs to feel that as well, by the way.

Let her mostly lead the conversations. You can certainly initiate a conversation instead of sitting silently. Though, most times a person in crisis needs space. Lots of space. So I’d more just spark up possible conversations with more a statement instead of pressuring questions. Just breaking the silence a bit, just to see if she wants to say anything. A “here you are”, as you place a plate in front of her for example. She may thank you, she may even continue on to some topic. Although, likely there’ll be no thank you and she’ll say nothing. Follow her lead. Her silence is no big deal, have no expectations either way.

For the time being, she seems content to be on her own, apart from the occasional descent into misery when she reflects on her situation. Over the week-end, she had another rant about wanting to have a different life and to get away from the house. The next day she was talking about getting someone to built bookshelves for her to be able to take her books out of boxes where they are still stored.

Mostly we are at a cordial level, and she has even asked how I am a couple of times last week. I do still pick up most of the childcare (just got back from my inlaws where I have taken to staying with both kids one night a week to free her up). She has started to do a bit more around the house again but the balance is still with me. I have read conflicting opinions around this - there are some perspectives that it makes sense for one of the spouses to pick up more for a while, others are quite strict in terms of holding the one in crisis to account as well and getting them to do their share. What do you guys think is the right balance here?

Do whatever is needed for the kids. Always!

And yes, that will likely be a disproportionate share. That’s ok.

As for the household stuff. Do what is required in the common areas. Leave W’s bedroom and her art studio for her. If she takes dishes into her room, leave them. Same for her laundry. She is accountable and responsible for those areas.

If house work gets too much for you. Hire a housekeeper.

A person in crisis is like a teenager. Treat them as such. (Having lived through raising four teens, I now see things differently than I did before. ) You will have little success in making W, or a teen, do anything they don’t want to. You cannot force W to clean up after herself. So, you just close the door to her room and her mess. (I did that so much with my daughter. lol. Perfectly healthy part of growing up.)

DnJ, I am interested in your perspective from how "kind and cordial" in this context.

Treat her like a roommate.

Kind and cordial is for you too. Mostly for you actually. No matter which direction your situation goes, you were kind and polite. That defines, and is defining/crafting you. It’s not being a doormat, you still employ required boundaries for disrespectful behaviour. It’s just being the best version of you.

Like with teenager kids. It does no good to blow your stack and get all mad or whatever. Detachment, with a mix of indifference, is truly a kind and compassionate thing.

No walking on eggshells. Focus on you and the kids. Be kind and cordial, even invite W along for the odd family event. Yet still, letting her be.

I am often too tired after work and the kids to have the energy to go out on my own or meet friends

Be kind to your self too. Make time for you. A housekeeper might alleviate some of your chores/burden.

Hope you and the kids have a wonderful Sunday.

D