Wife in crisis

[DnJ]

Good Morning Lb

My objective (similar to others on here) is to keep my family together and rekindle our relationship. I have started setting small goals towards this:
1) Get her more involved with household tasks and activities with the children again (she has withdrawn a lot from them, and they notice)
2) Get her to come along on family holidays over Easter, even if it is staying with my family (which is harder)
3) Getting her to invite me to do something together (just her and me, e.g. a drink or a film)

I understand and empathize and agree with your desire to keep your family together and hopefully rekindle things with W. However, focus on you.

These listed goals are about you trying to change W and/or her behaviour. You cannot control her, you can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Attempting to get W more involved will have detrimental results to your desired outcome. She will push, and push hard, against such efforts. Because:

Her father was pretty controlling, in particular using money as a mechanism. Her mother apparently used her as a confidante when she was 10 years old, speaking about issues she was having with her husband (which might have included an affair on her part). Recently she has mentioned at times that she will only really feel free when her parents are gone.

Don’t step into such a controlling role. You don’t want to reinforce any projection from W, nor reflect her Dad’s controlling behaviours that she rebelling and growing up from.

Time and space.

Space is more emotional space than physical space. Though being apart is usually needed for them to get the time to feel. Give emotional space for her to find and feel her hurt, pain, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, regret, etc.

Focusing on you provides that needed time and space. Focusing/GAL also gives you something to do instead of pinning away. It fosters your growth and allows you to do your inner work.

Counterintuitively, focusing on W and the M sabotages the chances of the very thing you’re working to save.

In terms of her challenges (these have been themes across the years), I think the key ones are:
1) She wants to work and feel like an adult and like someone who is being taken seriously and in line with who she should be
2) She wants to be independent and not end up like her mother who wanted to leave at some point but could not given her economic dependence
3) She wants to have an interesting life and be surrounded by interesting people. Where we moved to, being in a more cosmopolitan environment is more difficult given the distance and logistics

Yes, those are likely pretty accurate. And beyond your control. W has to grow and step up.

So what about goals and challenges for you? Things that are within your control.

Things like:

My objective (similar to others on here) is to keep my family together and give myself the best chance at rekindling our relationship. Some small goals towards this:
1) Be more, and continue to be, involved with the children and their activities.
2) Do my share of the household tasks. Do not be super husband and try to do it all.
3) Invite W to come along on some family times. Be non-expectant either way as to result. Accept yes or no equally.
4) Do things be myself. Get use to, and be ok with, doing stuff by myself. (Example, go out for a steak diner alone.)

Where I would appreciate some advice - I am being very kind and picking up a lot at home, with the kids etc. Does it make sense to be firmer and insist with her that she does certain things? For example, she does not have any income (and money as a family is a bit tight), but she keeps overspending. And then does not have any solutions and comes to me. Given her past with being under the control of her father and the deep set trauma around not having her own work/income, do I push her on getting a job? I think it would help her to have something that she needs to do (and take her mind of blaming me, potentially).

Some of this is addressed above. The main course here is to let her feel her consequences of her life’s choices.

Do not insist she does anything particular. She’s a grown woman, an adult. Treat her as such. You certainly can have a rational discussion of finances and over spending, however I’m pretty sure that will lead to much eye rolling and tuning you out. Still, ensure the present financial situation has been laid out clearly, then enforce boundaries/consequences to behaviours and actions. You don’t have to solve her problems. Let her find a solution.

If she is considering finding employment, certainly support and encourage such an effort. You might even consider suggesting such, though usually a MLCer pushes against suggestions from the LBS, regardless of how positive or worthy those suggestions may be. They seldom follow through with their own ideas; things from the LBS are pretty much discarded immediately.

Also one question: I am struggling to get her engaged around some of the consequences of her behaviour, e.g. compromising the financial situation of the family etc. Is it worth pushing counselling (e.g. if I get her debt settled, insist on her doing that with me) - or is this something to hold off on? When I mentioned it before she (apart from once in a brief comment) was opposed.

Nope. Especially if she is in crisis.

A MLCer is driven emotionally. Logic and reason do not matter to them. They are driven by their feelings. And they feel depressed.

Overspending is a very common running behaviour. Keep an eye on your accounts! Plenty of MLcers have burnt through the couple’s life savings in a futile effort to stave off their torment.

If things are such that you need financial protection and/or security - get it!

If her spending is on a destructive path to your future and your ability to care for self and the kids - do what you need to do. You have a lot of life left in front of you.

To that end, speak with a lawyer. Document everything! Keep track of what you do, and what she does. Consider removing your half of joint savings/assets and placing them in your own accounts. Have your pay checks deposited into your account. Then transfer monies to joint account for family expenses.

This is within your control and not trying to control W.

she started talking about needing change - a job and going into the City a couple of days a week will not cut it. She does not want to be in an office. She wants an interesting life - when I ask what that would look like I get told "you are not able to understand". We have been there before. She wants to do big things to the house but there is not enough money. Me not having been promoted (again recently; pretty annoying) is part of the fact that she cannot have an interesting life (huh?), and why I cannot be part of it.

Counterintuitively, less is more.

Simply validate her feelings. Do not engage or argue with her. You see how she belittled you with “you are not able to understand”? She is trying/crafting justifications for her behaviour, actions, and mostly her feelings. Don’t step in the trap. You cannot reason with her, for her “reasons” change as quickly as her feelings do.

The thing that I am a bit concerned about is the statement that small incremental changes will not cut it, but she needs to blow everything up.

That is precisely the feelings that their ceaseless torment causes. They feel that blowing everything up is their only way out.

If she’s in crisis, you cannot prevent it, nor can you speed it along. She will progress/proceed along her path and at her pace. It has next to nothing to do with you.

Focus on you. Give time and space. This does not propel her faster. It allows her to maybe work through her stuff more calmly. It’s a long road though. You’ll need to drink a lot of STFU smoothies, as she will turn up the heat on you.

If you can’t figure out the acronym STFU, I’ll spot you a few letters Shut The F___ Up. lol. I drank a lot of those smoothies. Remember, fighting begets fighting. And she will want to paint you as the bad guy.

I do not think she will do anything crazy given that she keeps bringing up that she wants to be with the children and take them along.

I understand. And your statement is very true and accurate - you do not think she will…

Let go your preconceived ideas of her behaviour. From my experience, a person in crisis will do anything and everything. One of the LBS’ biggest hurdle is continuing like their spouse is the same person. A person in crisis is the opposite of who they once were. They will do anything to run from their torment. Anything! Spending, drinking, drugs, gambling, affairs, illegal/illicit activities, and so on. All in attempts to feel young and alive again.

My XW blew up her life in a grand exodus at Thanksgiving Day supper. Without any warning nor previous discussion, she stood up after the meal and a great family day of croquet and card games, and announced to me, our four kids, my son’s girlfriend, and my parents, that she could no longer live with me. That, “you DnJ, get the house, the cars, and the kids; unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”

She threw her own kids away. Right there. At the table. In front of everyone.

Well, complete pandemonium erupted. I was totally shocked and apparently went white as a sheet. One son had breathing problems, a few kids and my Dad got furious, some were crying, it was bedlam.

Anyhow, dear W/Mom furthered things with the announcement of her boyfriend. She said she was willing to risk never seeing the children again for her chance at happiness.

Three hours after dropping that bomb onto the empty pumpkin pie place, she left. She walked down the 1400 foot lane to the waiting OM. She moved in with him that night. By the way, OM is basically my neighbour to the south of me. She ran 3/4 of a mile away.

That was it. 3 hours. From bomb drop to gone. 2 months later a separation agreement was signed. 9 months later a divorce was filed by her. 6 more months for the courts to get to it, sign it, and decree it.

She was a fanatic Mom! And an equally fantastic wife. She loved our four kids. She ran a daycare out of our house. And she burnt it all to the ground.

Granted my XW is a tad on the extreme end of the spectrum of MLCer. Still, 26 years of marriage, 31 years together, four kids, and all that - it mattered not. She was consumed.

DnJ, I have been thinking about your post. Time and patience is what I am aiming for - irrespective of where this ends. I want her to not end up in a worse situation than she currently is, and it feels like she might be heading there if I am not around tbh.

I get it. I really do. (((Hugs)))

Her situation, her heading, her destination - whatever it may be, and however temporary it may be - has nothing to do with you.

I’ve been there. It is aggravating to have answers and solution for her, answers and solution she won’t listen to, nor hear. Answers and solutions she would actively go against.

Focus on you. Dig for patience. Be kind and cordial. And give her to the man upstairs. You cannot fix her, for you didn’t break her.



There is hope. Always. For as long as there is love, there is hope.

The future is unknown and unwritten. Let it unfurl on its time. Focus on you and the kids.

D