Hey LB23. I'm glad you found your way to this forum. It sounds like you're doing some good, initial work on examining your contributions to how your M got to this point. I've similarly been dealing with a MLC spouse and can relate to much of what you're describing.
As others have suggested, the only person you can control is yourself. You didn't break your spouse; you can't fix her. Work on yourself solely for the purposes of your own improvement - this will make you more attractive in general, help bolster your confidence, and benefit your kids most.
Regarding goals like having your W join you on trips to see family or spend time alone together with you - I hate to say it but I recommend abandoning those goals for now. As an earlier poster suggested, you need to give your W lots of time and space. She can't miss you you're always around, nor can she realize that you're not the problem in her life. As long as you're around, she can pin the blame on you for why her life isn't going as she'd like it to. When things don't work out and you're also not there, "maybe" she'll see beyond blaming you.
Also, in general accommodating or enabling a spouse's behavior (like not performing an equitable share of chores, childcare, etc.) isn't a good idea from what I've read, at least if/when someone may have an underlying mental health issue. I can see in the short-term picking up a bit more than your fair share because, to me, that happens in marriage (one spouse might shoulder a higher workload than the other and vice versa). Only you can determine what's reasonable in your situation. And, if you're not seeing an individual therapist, I hope you'll consider doing so. They can be a great sounding board for these things.
You're off to a good start. Do pick up Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and make time to absorb the content. It can help when you are uncertain about what to do/say and may not be able to leverage this board. Good luck!
