Thank you all for your thoughts and I look forward to "listening and learning". I have been doing a lot of reading of the forum and bought myself the divorce remedy book - I am thinking on how to go about putting some of this into action.
After struggling hard for the first two months, I now try to give her the maximum space. Both from myself, as well of the children. As far as this is possible given that I work from home a couple of days a week. I may occasionally overstep with a comment when I do not catch myself in time (e.g. trying to provide a solution or questioning some of her more out-of-reality thinking), but I have gotten pretty good at listening and trying to validate her feelings.
We have a normal relationship most days (albeit somewhat distant), and I have taken to not always responding and being very limited in communications when I am away. However, then every so often she drops "we need to see what happens to us", "I need to leave here", "I do not want to be here" etc. I now do not react to this and see that I am mainly the one breaking off interaction.
In terms of her challenges (these have been themes across the years), I think the key ones are: 1) She wants to work and feel like an adult and like someone who is being taken seriously and in line with who she should be 2) She wants to be independent and not end up like her mother who wanted to leave at some point but could not given her economic dependence 3) She wants to have an interesting life and be surrounded by interesting people. Where we moved to, being in a more cosmopolitan environment is more difficult given the distance and logistics
Apart from bringing up that she regrets all the choices that she made and should never have had children and is not made for this life, she often brings up issues from her childhood. Her father was pretty controlling, in particular using money as a mechanism. Her mother apparently used her as a confidante when she was 10 years old, speaking about issues she was having with her husband (which might have included an affair on her part). Recently she has mentioned at times that she will only really feel free when her parents are gone.
I have tried very hard to never be controlling and to pick up my part at home and give her time to be on her own. Neglecting myself even before the pandemic, which contributed to wearing down the relationship. However, I think her deep unhappiness about not having a career and being able to use her brain / make money ate away at her to an extent that I just did not appreciate.
The actions that I have taken have reduced friction in our relationship (no more fighting for the past month), but she is still all over the place (this includes her telling me one day she wants to move to a city she has been to once, the next day that we need to make a five year plan where we will go together and the next that she should leave with the kids straight away. While being unable to handle the kids on her own at the moment, which is fair given logistics and the demands of a special needs child).
My objective (similar to others on here) is to keep my family together and rekindle our relationship. I have started setting small goals towards this: 1) Get her more involved with household tasks and activities with the children again (she has withdrawn a lot from them, and they notice) 2) Get her to come along on family holidays over Easter, even if it is staying with my family (which is harder) 3) Getting her to invite me to do something together (just her and me, e.g. a drink or a film)
Where I would appreciate some advice - I am being very kind and picking up a lot at home, with the kids etc. Does it make sense to be firmer and insist with her that she does certain things? For example, she does not have any income (and money as a family is a bit tight), but she keeps overspending. And then does not have any solutions and comes to me. Given her past with being under the control of her father and the deep set trauma around not having her own work/income, do I push her on getting a job? I think it would help her to have something that she needs to do (and take her mind of blaming me, potentially).
Are there any other ideas / suggestions on little things that I could change or try?
Also one question: I am struggling to get her engaged around some of the consequences of her behaviour, e.g. compromising the financial situation of the family etc. Is it worth pushing counselling (e.g. if I get her debt settled, insist on her doing that with me) - or is this something to hold off on? When I mentioned it before she (apart from once in a brief comment) was opposed.
