Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, yet you are in a good place here. There are many kind compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom, a lot of which will at first be counterintuitive.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? It’s an excellent resource. Do keep it, this site, and the DB strategies to yourself as your W will likely see such efforts as insincere manipulation to just win her back. As Wonka said (and I totally agree with):
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Originally Posted by Lb23
I am looking for advice from some of the women on here that went through a midlife crisis (I believe that my wife is in one), and strategies that may work in supporting her while ensuring that the family does not suffer.
The majority of the population of this site are LBS. There are a few posters who were MLCers, though they do not post very often.
A midlife crisis is triggered by some significant event - birth of a child, a wedding, a death, or some such - which uncovers long buried trauma(s) from their youth. These traumas were inflicted by a person in a position of authority over the youngster. Being young they had an ill prepared coping mechanism or the emotional maturity to understanding or accept what happened. Also, the authority figure usually coerces the youngster into keeping silent and further continues the traumatic events.
The youngster unable to reconcile or understand or cope then buries this vile event. Alas, for such an immature psyche, this extreme denial/burying is the only recourse to stave off a breakdown. However, that which is buried alive will haunt later.
Around midlife, pressures of mortality, marriage, career, kids, family, etc, start to mount. This is normal, as everyone experiences life’s transitions from stage to stage. However, for a MLCer, they had seeds of a crisis planted long ago and those unrecognized and unrealized demons of their past will no longer remain silent. A triggering event stirs those slumbering demons and a crisis bursts forth.
A crisis is consuming. It is ceaseless torment. And the crisis person does not know nor understand why or what is happening to them. Their deep unhappiness and depression grows and grows. They look around and see their once loving spouse, family, friends, and incorrectly assign blame upon them. Usually the spouse acquiring the lion’s share of that blame.
Realize, a MLCer cannot handle this, they cannot accept this continual pain. So they run. They become/behave the opposite of who they once were. They partake in all manner of behaviours. Spending, drinking, drugs, sex, fast cars, illicit/illegal behaviours and activities, and so on. And yes, affairs. Anything to take their mind of their torment. And anything to try to feel something, for depression is ever present.
A crisis is emotionally driven. The MLCer is driven by emotions. They are not rational, they lack empathy. Their emotions are cranked to eleven and they simply do not have any bandwidth for anyone or anything else.
I sincerely hope and pray it is not a midlife crisis, that is truly a horrible fate. However, be it a full blown crisis, a difficult transition, or something else, will be revealed in time.
Your path forward starts out pretty much the same regardless. Focus on you. Give W time and space. Keep pressure to minimum. And do your inner work. Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Originally Posted by Lb23
ensuring that the family does not suffer.
Your son of 8, your daughter of 4, be their rock. Be there for them.
A person consumed by their crisis leaves a wake of destruction. There is lots of collateral damage. And kids are among that. Be strong and stable. Listen to them. Talk to them. Answer their question, age appropriately of course. Above all love them.
Do not demonize their Mom. Ever. For they are half her, and will personally take on those hurtful comments.
Originally Posted by Lb23
The challenge in this is that our life is so intertwined that we cannot separate (which she recognises as well): - We bought the house (she now blames me for this, like for everything) that we cannot get rid of without a big loss - She has no income, and we would struggle to afford two places (this house is too big to maintain as a single person) - Logistics are a nightmare, and a shared parental arrangement will not work - We need to think of the children, in particular the older one where schooling is difficult
None of those “reasons” will matter to her of she decides to leave. I’ve been there, and nothing is so intertwined, so difficult, such a logistic nightmare to keep one hellbent on leaving from doing so. They simply won’t care about the fallout. Or more accurately, their pain will drive them much more to leave than whatever pains might come about from such leaving.
Originally Posted by Lb23
I get told off for trying to "fix things" (I have always done this and she hates it she now tells me), yet she hinted at her debt situation several times (which I did not respond to) and now asked me if I can take out a loan to help as she cannot clear it on her own.
I’d not get embroiled into a loan with/for her.
Originally Posted by Lb23
I do not think that she is in an affair; and I would not have thought that she is the person for this, although I fail to recognise who she has become on occasion.
Sorry man. I cannot think of any LBS who has not discovered an affair.
It is staggering how common affairs are. Affairs are mere band-aids, a symptom of deep problems. A desperate attempt to find happiness, as they incorrectly equate sex with happiness. They are desperate, and desperate people do desperate things.
Like I said, affairs are staggeringly commonplace. And they mean nothing. They are an illicit relationship built upon a foundation of lies and deceit. It’s like building on sand, it requires incredible energies to maintain, and is almost always fated to topple.
Lb, you sound quite well thought out, detached, and grounded. Well done. Keep living your life, and being there for your kids. Do focus on you. GAL. Keep moving forward.
You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely.
I look forward to conversing with you.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
