Totally In Limbo, What to Do

[DnJ]

Good Morning Dc

Good for you. Yes, you need not inform her of all of your plans and whereabouts, some mystery is a good thing.

i find little by little she is opening up...

Usually, the less you pry or demand answers the more they will open up. It’s infuriatingly slow when we want answers now. Got to dig for patience.

Interestingly, the answers you are presently wanting become less and less critical as time and your healing progresses. Your need for answers will become less. Certainly there would have to be a clearing of the air and various truths/answers before any reconnecting, however your “need” will not be driving that.

Dig for patience and focus on what you can control - which is you. You can only directly control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Do not press her for anything. Let her be. Let go. Let her come to you and open up as she will, when she will. Respond, validate where and when appropriate, and let her “mostly” lead the pace and direction of the conversation.

You can invite her to some family activities, there is nothing wrong with that. Just keep your expectations dialled to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment, and resentment is like acid to a relationship, love, hope, and such. For example, “Hey W, son and I are going to the park, would you like to join us?” If she says yes, great. If she says no, great. You and son are going regardless and are going to have a great time. It’s up to her if she joins in or not.

You both let her lay in the bed she made and give her opportunity to open up. Takes a little practice to find that balance. It’s a slow trek, most is you doing you. Focusing on you. Which brings us to…

we were in the process of finishing the basement,,than seperation came and we stopped,,and just a couple of weeks ago she mentioned that lets get the electrical done for the basement..so obviously she wants to stay in the house,,

I’d not mind read her too much. She may want to remain in the house, she may want to get it more ready for sale, she may be bored, or any other from a myriad of possibilities. Doesn’t really matter.

so im in limbo,,dont know what to do

Do you want the basement finished? I suspect you do. So work on it. That’s an excellent GAL project. An excellent focus on you. An excellent “act as if” action too. And of course, you get your basement fixed up. Are you doing the electrical yourself? Installing the receptacle boxes and running the wire? What kind of lighting are you installing? What plans for the space? Home theater? Game room? Pool table?

If W joins in, great. If she doesn’t, great. You keep moving forward.

as of now were very civil,,,i always let her bring up any conversation...i dont know what her plans are for us,,as i dont want to ask her

Good, remain civil. When she brings up conversation, what is it about? Is she argumentative? Is she looking for a fight? Is she blaming you?

W is likely depressed and as such she is more looking past-ward than forward. Plans for you and her will not be foremost on her mind. She is grappling with her problems and demons, she doesn’t have much bandwidth for anything or anyone else.

She may not be yet be blaming you or projecting or crafting justifications for her present actions. If/when she does, be the gray rock. Let her words find no purchase. Most folks do not take accountability for their destructive actions. Let her feel the weight of her choices.

as well i know exactly her schedules..there are times when she gets home 30 minutes late maybe once a month, of course my mind is rushing if she is still meeting that co worker for a sexual fling,,,but if she is,,i will give her an ultimatum of if you want to save our marriage yes or no...and will give her a couple of days to think about it,,if she no,,i will tell her lets put the house for sale and go our own ways ,,,

Ultimatums seldom yield the hope for, positive, results. You’ve got to look at the long game here. There is no magic bullet, no quick fix. W has lots of stuff she needs to sort of. That’s going to take time.

While that is ongoing, do your inner work. Become you. Read the lighthouse story (one of the links in the welcome post) and live it. Become your best self.

We all have areas where we can grow. Things we could have, should have, and can do better. A positive of an in house separation is she is still there. She can more easily see your positive changes.

You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely. Use it well.

Hope you have a great day.

D