I know this is all part of the MLC process but just needed a vent session.
To start off with I have been doing well. Have done some stuff for myself including a cosmetic procedure that I have wanted to do to fix something on me that has made me self conches for years. My husband was not happy about this and says I am vain and "stupid" for spending my money on it(our finances have always been separate so this will not affect him financially at all). At first I felt selfish for spending the money and making him angry but to be honest he was going to be angry anyways. Everyone that knows think he doesn't want me to have it done so that I look better and he is worried I will find someone else. I dont even know or care if that is his reason.
I did see while doing some stuff that confirmed he is still talking to the ow on the phone multiple times a day. I knew this in my gut but it wasn't ever confirmed till now. Which to me explains why he is so hateful towards me. I haven't told him I seen this. I have and am going as dim as I can at home but that seems to ramp him up a bit. It just seems so counter intuitive. I know this is fear based but I worry that with me going dim it will push him toward the ow more so than he is already. I would think it would me if i was in his situation but I guess I dont have mlc brain.
I have read everywhere not to confront to the fact you know they are still in contact and to just let it run and fall apart on its own, but for how long? I am not going to act rashly this time like at bd. I know there is a lot to consider like the fact that I hate not having my kids full time like when he was gone, but also dont want to live like this forever. I realize that 18 months from bd and 5 months home is not long in terms of mlc also.
His withdrawal has gotten a worse over the past month. He wouldn't even go to a friends house for our daughters birthday dinner. He said he didn't want to be around anyone. He has also started self victimizing with anything said or done saying we dont want him at home and non of us love him, he should just leave. Not sleeping hardly at all and just other odd stuff like whispering to himself and talking to himself a lot. and not in an external processing way. like full angry conversations with himself. Very paranoid and thinks everyone especially me are out to take hime for everything. the kids have also seen him crying a few times. Could this be the slide down to rock bottoms basement? I hate to see that for him but know it has to happen for him to start to walk out of it.
I think it is, but is this a normal progression of stages. It doesn't hurt me like it used to. I am pretty detached from taking it personal. ( I still fall into it sometimes) I do not give the reactions like I used to. Just tell him I hear him and understand and am sorry he feels that way. But do people really come back from stuff like this? It seems so hopeless that he will ever turn around or wake up.
