Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. The uncertainty and unknowing is, at first, very difficult to take.
This place has many kind compassionate folks with much hard-earned wisdom. Post. Ask questions. A lot of the suggestions and advice will be counterintuitive; Divorce Busting is a highly counterintuitive process.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? It is an excellent book and resource.
I will copy Cadet’s welcome post below for your reference. Do read it fully. There are many links to a trove of useful information. (A bit of homework. )
I understand your W is saying she wants a separation. Has she moved out? Or is it an in house separation? Has she moved into the basement or spare room or something like that?
As oddly as it will sound, remember counterintuitive, trying to directly fix the marriage will likely push her away faster. The best and fastest route to a possible restoration/reconciliation is in the opposite direction. You focus on you.
Give W plenty of time and space. Let her feel the loss of you and the relationship. She needs to feel it. You do not act cruel or unkind or any such, just be kind and cordial and get a life. GAL is incredible important for your mental and emotional health.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Being detached is when one’s spouse’s words, behaviours, and actions no longer uncontrollably drag one around.
I suspect you have found detachment as you are speaking about limbo. More counterintuitive advice: embrace limbo. This limbo is just your romantic life. Not your work life, nor hobbies, friends, activities, and so on. Remember, GAL.
Stop walking on eggshells. That tiptoeing around is the result of fear and uncertainty. A not wanting to rock the boat. Let go that fear and live and love your life. I get it, hard to love our life during such upheaval. Yep, been there. Act as if. Do things, act positive. Eventually those actions become the norm.
Some GAL ideas. Go for a walk or run, hit a punching bag, dig a garden or shovel snow depending upon your climate. Physical activity really helps with the grief as well. It’s perfectly normal to have anger and sweating it out is really therapeutic.
So, focusing on you. Pick up old hobbies. We all have things we put away as married life progressed, dig them back out and enjoy them. Start something new. Maybe there is a project or a class you’ve wanted to take. Start it. Cooking, painting, etc. There is a wonderful gal here who took up singing lessons. Lots have learnt or rediscovered a musical instrument as well.
Originally Posted by Dc17
she told me she sees my changes but she says it won't last.
This is very common. The leaving spouse does not believe our changes. They think they are just a trick or manipulation to get them back. Make changes for you. That way those positive changes will be permanent.
Become the best version of you. For you, not W. That’s the heart of things.
W will likely see your changes and she might become interested. And that takes some time. That’s kind of DB in a nut shell.
I look forward to conversing with you.
Have a great day.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
)
