My situation I would say is a combination of WW and MLC
After 22 years together, 12 married, such waywardness is quite the gut punch. Repeated gut punch, unfortunately.
Your W is going down a desperate and destructive path. One which, thankfully, you were not invited along.
Be her trajectory a crisis or life transition is hard to diagnose. 40 years is a milestone age which does bring about feelings and realizations of one’s life and their accolades and regrets. A period of finding acceptance of who and when you are. And also figuring out going forward the what, how, and who of your next stage of life.
For a person with unrealized unresolved last trauma(s) this time dredges up pains and torments that they do not understand. They will lash out at those around them, those they love, for they incorrectly assign blame not understanding nor realizing their hidden buried past. For a MLCer, blame and justification towards their spouse manifests as they struggle with their ceaseless inner torments. A person in crisis does not, cannot, yet know why or what they suffer from. It is a past significant trauma - usually traumas - which happened when they were young and unable to understand or cope with such. Therefore they buried it. And that which is buried alive comes back to haunt.
Around midlife, pressures of mortality, work, relationships, regrets, things not yet done, things unlikely to get done, all push. The years of unsuccessful IVF is some extreme pressure for sure. All this stir those long ago, unknown pains within. At midlife, those demons will no longer remain silent.
The crisis person becomes the opposite of who they once were. They partake in all manner of wild behaviour. They are running from their torment. They will spend, drink, do drugs, and so on. They are trying to recapture their youth, to make up for lost time. Of course, that is a fool’s errand, though they do not know that. And yes, they have affairs.
The mixed up hurt crisis person equates sex with happiness. Realize they have no joy in their now tormented life, and they are desperate to find it. And desperate people do desperate things.
Affairs are staggeringly common. The affair partner means nothing. They are a band-aid, a symptom of a deep problem within. The AP is being used, and is using the spouse. Two broken people trying to find something.
All this running is an attempt to quash their pain, and simultaneously to feel something. Their life is a dark consuming place. Horrible. Alas, such is a crisis.
No one can speed up their journey. In fact, any attempts usually prolongs it, or worst stall it. A crisis, once started, has to progress, at its speed and timeline until it is finished. If a crisis does get de-railed, or “ended” prematurely, it will re-start later and will be much worse the second go around.
Also, you do not want the responsibility of her path upon your shoulders. It’s why one should not manipulate their spouse’s path. We cannot see all ends.
A crisis is dark and consuming. Depression is ever present. And confusion is another hallmark of a crisis. The MLCer is driven to their behaviour. Their path, their decisions, everything is emotionally driven. Very little rational logical reasoned steps on their journey.
A MLCer goes back to the time of their trauma(s), the time of when they were emotionally stunted, and needs to grow up from then.
There is period of 18-24 months of before bomb drop when the MLCer is slowly slipping away. Weird unknown feelings stirring within. Then a trigger occurs. A death, a birth, wedding, graduation, etc; something that highlights for them their mortality. This triggering events starts the unravelling towards BD and the start of the running stage.
My XW days after BD was so happy and assured of her choice. A few days after BD, in a so very smug and absolutely confident manner, she told me that for months before BD she cried all the time I was at work and the kids were at school. She said she didn’t know what was going on. That she thought she was going crazy. Then she had her epiphany - that a crazy person wouldn’t realize that, so she wasn’t. And that was that. She blew up her world. Threw me away. Tossed aside our four kids like they were old clothes. And moved in with OM. That was 6 1/2 years ago.
MLC is a horrible thing! And glacially slow to progress.
Your W is painting a target upon you. Projecting and blaming you for her ills. Give lots of time and space. Get a life. Focus on you. These are your path. Keep moving forward.
You cannot control her or her path. You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
No R-talks and no pressure.
W needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. To come to the point where she realizes that “hmmm, Catman hasn’t been bothering me for quite a while and I’m still unhappy”. Then with some good fortune W might realize that “maybe Catman is not the cause of my unhappiness”. And with even more good fortune, W might look inward and start to do her much needed inner work. Or she’ll move on to OM4,5,6.
Running. They run from their pain. It takes years for them to tire and stop running. And some do not stop running, ever.
You, keep moving forward. Do your inner work. Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
