so it is now October of 2023, minimal contact with her and she only comes over to drop off our 2 cats, i like having them over as they had given me company, and at this time we are late into october and because of her delaying the cleaning its now hard to catch the fall market. During this time i keep pressuring her to destroy the embryos we still have frozen at the clinic so we can get our money back, as a live birth was guaranteed. it was a substantial amount of money and would help us pay for lawyers, mediation and accumulated debt from this situation. It takes her 2.5 months to finally sign the consent to destroy the embryos. On the day she signed and i signed the consent i tried calling her out of sympathy. It was a sad moment because we had spent 8 years trying to have children and this was the definitive end. turns out she was on the other line when i called, so clearly talking to AP. Imagine something so private and something so intimate between the two of us and she discusses it with someone she met on instagram from a year earlier.
That really pissed me off.
So in late november she comes by one day, i had ordered food that we both liked and i got things that she really liked, i would have eaten it myself, she was dropping off cats and i asked her if she wanted some. she then went to sofa and fell asleep in my arms. This feeling kept tugging at my heart and i knew i shouldnt be doing this but it felt so natural and comfortable.
Fast forward to the new year aka 2024 and i became cold and hadnt let her in house since that last encounter, if she was dropping off cats or getting someting like letters id just say bye and wouldnt invite her in. My heart wanted to have her come in but i knew i had to be cold for my own sake. So a month ago we receive money back from IVF and i put a retainer on a lawyer and a mediator instantly. Now im just going straight through the process. Ive had enough of this and have told her repeatedly, i do not want to be in a marriage with 2 other people and i stood alone at the altar when we married. during this time i ask her to pick up the cats as i had forgotten about plans i had for ice fishing with my friends, she replies back with a message intended for AP, i get furious and i drive the cats to her apartment and drop them in lobby and wait at a distance for her to pick them up. this to me was the instigator in wanting to push as hard and as fast as possible for not only a legal separation but also go the whole way and file for divorce after we have a mediated division of assets and liabliities.
A big part of me still loves her, and i think ive come to accept it, another part of me instinctually wants to protect her from her bad choices, but i think i have to let her make them and i need to move on with my life. I think if R is even suggested, id definitely remind her that she wont like the conditions that it will require for me to even entertain such an option.
I dont think id push myself through this much pain if seeing her not being able to be a mother had a major impact on her like it did, otherwise i dont think id be here at this point. But i feel like i must push on with my brain and ignore my heart.
sorry for the extreme length of this post, i will keep any updates more brief as i wish i had come here before and done a play by play as the other threads and gotten good advice instead of doing everything absolutely wrong.
