Yesterday W asked to talk, and we had a civil discussion about the process and what happens next. She is not prepared and acknowledged that her "head is spinning" about all of this. I told her I would be patient and hold off on the filing until she and I had an agreement on assets, custody, and support all worked out. I asked that she consider my proposal and let me know by the end of the week what her comments are.
She pushed back on 50/50 custody, which is a non-negotiable for me. Her reason was that she does not want the kids to be with my mom or a caretaker during my custody if I am occupied with work. I told her I am happy to be flexible once the agreement is done, but the legal document will say 50/50. All sorts of excuses came out about how I can't handle the kids, which I didn't even acknowledge. She also does not want to go back to work full time and thinks I would make her do so in order to pay less spousal support. In my state my obligation would go down regardless of whether or not she got a job, but I didn't bother telling her that. Lots of learning and processing for her to do.
I made great efforts to keep this conversation all business but at one point her drinking came up. I told her directly that I think she has a problem with alcohol, which she denied. She then defended herself by saying that "maybe I drink because of you", which I was expecting. Much of her narrative has been that her drinking, the affair, and all the girls gone wild behavior is because of me. Between the DB book, website, and countless other sources of material I've consumed, it's remarkable how predictable certain responses are. It's too bad that only when faced with D is she willing to open up even slightly with comments like this.
My W is a deeply avoidant person and I know she feels shame over the affair. I read elsewhere that when people feel shame they cover it with either grandiosity or worthlessness and she has certainly done both. This is where a lot of her drunken bravado comes in: "I could get any guy I want, men hit on me all the time, I could do much better than you" etc.
Lots of rain here so I took the kids bowling yesterday, which was a blast. I'm at 15 days without a drop of alcohol and continue to be amazed at how helpful it is for emotional regulation. Just ordered an Oura ring online so I can keep closer track of stress, sleep, etc during the upcoming tumultuous months.
I'm doing alright but taking it a day at a time. W's family is wealthy and we are in discussions about her family buying me out of the house so that she can keep it and live here with the kids. Given all that's happened this is very difficult for me to accept: financially I built what we have from zero, and to walk away from it after what she did makes me angry at times. And I worry how the kids will interpret this: Dad moves out, so Dad must have done something wrong. One day at at time.
