Hi all, thought I'd jump on here to give a quick update. It's good to see some familiar names doing so well & following the amazing advice on here.
This week marked a year from when H admitted he was having an affair & a further 2 weeks before I asked him to leave. We'd been together 27 years and he had always been faithful previously. I'd joined here a few weeks before BD when I had some suspicions but really didn't want to admit it. I feel blessed that I found this community & had enough faith to follow direction albeit not perfectly & with a great deal of suffering along the way. I remember lots of comments about dropping the rope & I just couldn't understand how that was possible, it felt like pretending & it didn't really work! It was only really when I started to focus on me that I got glimpses of what it felt like to let go of my side of the battle. He continued throughout to throw snippets at me that I would grab hold of & read too much into. The lovely vets on here would warn me & I eventually started to really listen. It took probably 4 months from BD before I stopped my doormat & spying behaviours. Things got a little easier after that.
One of the biggest battles was with my own mind. I struggled to stay present & my mind kept wandering to the future. As soon as it did this, I was in fear mode. When in this state, all I could notice was the stuff that made me upset & that rope got tighter! I got better at using the virtual STOP sign & being able to notice when my mind was wandering unhelpfully to past or future. At this time, I would either chat to a friend /mum or go for a walk. H has been crazy throughout, proper mid life distress and angst. He struggled (& continues to struggle) with the pain he caused and he managed this by retreating back to his new world (alcohol, AP, avoiding his kids). We would have glimpses of the old H where he was broken hearted at what he had done & begging for forgiveness but then he would retreat back again.
So, where are we now, a year later? Well, the divorce is going ahead. I should get the conditional through in the next few weeks and the absolute is 6 weeks and 1 day later. I'm buying him out of our house & he's accepted a fair offer. The AP & him have been over since August but had some continued contact till around end Nov. He has been keen to return back home & is very apologetic. He's a broken man & I feel for him. I still care deeply about his welfare but equally, I don't want to be his wife anymore. I've used the past year to work on me. I've dropped 91lbs & am feeling far more confident in myself. The weight loss is welcomed but it happened quickly due to the trauma and I did lose a fair bit of hair as well. Fortunately, I'm blessed with a good head of hair and its growing back nicely! I've been approached a few times by different men, which has been flattering and boosted my ego a bit but I'm not quite ready to enter into another relationship just yet. I figure I'll revisit that when I'm divorced. I'm on speaking terms with STBXH & we've met, discussed what happened and I've shared a few truth bombs. I've not shared anywhere near the amount of hurt he has caused because I don't think he could take it. He's so ashamed at what he's done.
It's a funny thing because a year ago, all I wanted was for him to be as he is now. I actually think I would prefer him to still be with AP because I'd know he was OK. I hate to see him suffering but equally, I've learned that our relationship wasn't the perfect relationship I thought it was. We were completely codependent. I mothered him, he didn't take on any responsibility & was dependent on me for most things. On my part, I felt adored (until I wasn't!) & was willing to put up with a banal existence because I felt safe & secure (meanwhile resentment was breeding on both sides). Its a complex thing these affairs and MLC. Once you step back and detach/drop the rope, you can see the full context of the situation. I'm lucky, I've got the most amazing friends & family that have supported me & really backed up what the good folk on here were saying, which made it easier to do. He is less lucky, he doesn't have the same support network as me. His family aren't interested (part of the trigger for MLC) & he has very few friends. We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar. I was the wage earner & we lived a good life, nice house, nice holidays etc. I think this was also a trigger for his MLC.
I can't say it strongly enough for any newbies, please focus on you. What will be, will be. My STBXH did come round but fortunately left it long enough for me to work on myself and see that he wasn't what I wanted. He's not done the work I have, so I have no doubt that he will flit in and out of crisis for some time to come. This makes me sad as I would love to see him settled and happy but I think this will take quite a while longer for him.
Apologies for the long post. I don't know whether people will find it helpful or not. I know I struggled to hear stories where people weren't getting back together when I first came on here. Have faith in the process, this forum is a wonderful place & I really wouldn't be in the positive place I am without it. Thank you vets! 😊
