Totally backslid the last few days. From accepting affection, sex, letting him back in my bed and then him almost coming home today because my mental health tanked and I was suicidal.
Kicked H out of my bed on Friday and back he went to the sofa. Neither of us could sleep though and were both up in night several times.
Ever since then we've ended up in the same bed each night and H has even started telling the kids 'it's mum and dad's room' or referring to my bed as 'our bed' or 'his bed'. Now I'm under no illusions that he's changing his mind in any way, it's purely convenience and he enjoys being affectionate and cuddly (and trying for much more). Sometimes he lies and strokes my hair for ages. Last night he came to bed with a cup of tea and snacks for us both and suggested we start watching a new series as if we were any normal married couple.
It feels very much like he can't make a clean break from me and I doubt the OW has any idea whatsoever that any of this is going on. He's even admitted that it's totally disrespectful to her.
I know I need to set boundaries and kick him back to the sofa. I have tried on a few occasions but he always seems to wheedle his way back and I'm just not strong enough to say no. I do have issues with ADHD, overwhelm, anxiety and depression.
He's been running round after me, taking over everything in the house which I think is aimed at making my life easier so I concentrate on work as I currently work from home and I'm very isolated. Last night he did a 1 hour round walk to the supermarket (can't drive) and bought my favourite crisps and chocolate and some nice bread to have with the homemade soup he cooked for me. I think he's concerned that I might lose my job if I'm not careful and that will bring a whole host of other problems.
Including the possibility that I'd be made homeless and would have to take the kids to my mums, over 400 miles away, ripping their lives apart and he would never see them. I'd avoid that at all costs as they are in high school and settled.
I have tried my best not to cry in front of him and to keep a happy face but it's hard when we're sharing a small space.
Yesterday I did well at work for once and was running on adrenaline. Today I crashed massively and lay on the sofa unable to do anything but wish to go to sleep and not wake up. Ended up telling H and he called me and encouraged me to talk to a professional, find a friend to sit with etc. I couldn't even get out of pyjamas or have a shower though. My mental health is rock bottom today.
